It's back?

I just don't feel like living anymore. When is life going to end? :( It seems that everyone has something to look forward to and the thing I look forward to is death. My 'The End'.

Who am I kidding? No one cares about me, so why should I continue being here?

I just want to go off and live all alone since no one cares. It's better that way too.

Priorities

After that horrible trip, it made me realize how blessed I am to come from a strict family background - I guess you really do learn a lot. When you do travel with someone, my opinion now is that you should have to make sure that their priorities match yours and not only their personalities or budget.


Priority #1 
Make sure that your travel companions are safe at all times which includes making sure that they do not get lost.
This world is a dangerous place and if you're a single person (especially if you're a girl) walking around aimlessly, won't you think that chances of you getting kidnap would be higher than being in a group? So, the conclusion is: please watch out for each other.

Priority #2
Being on time/ early.
If you're taking public transports especially, being on time really sets you back waiting time which you could use for sight-seeing etc. And it also saves waiting time for other trains (assuming that the route you're taking involves changing trains several times).

If you're planning to go to the Fujiko F. Fujio museum (a.k.a. Doraemon museum) which is in Kawasaki city, please note that if you buy a ticket allowing you to enter at 10AM, the latest you would have to be there is 10.30AM or not you're not allowed to enter.

Sometimes it helps to be early too as it gives you time to get lost and you wouldn't panic that much I guess? For DisneySea, I read somewhere that people started queuing up very early (i.e. about 1-2 hours before opening time). So, we decided to go early too and arrived at 8.15AM (opening time was 9AM) and the place was packed!!!! You couldn't even see the front gates!

Priority #3
Please take care of yourself.
If you're travelling and your feet hurts from too much walking, do something about it. Don't blame others for you having to walk so much- part of travelling is walking around a lot, unless of course if you're freaking rich and take a car everywhere you go. But I guess, even then, you would have to walk to the car right? So see, walking is a big part of travelling.

Okay, back to the main point, if your feet/leg hurts, go get a foot reflexology, massage it yourself, soak it (preferably in the hot springs or in a hot tub), use Salonpas, etc. And also, please make sure to get enough rest.

Priority #4
Be polite/courteous.
My parents always thought me that we have to be polite, courteous and respectful to others, so when my travel companion wasn't like that, I was cringing the entire time. It's not that she's rude, maybe I'm a bit of a perfectionist, I guess?

Priority #5
Be more open. You're in a different country so there's bound to be some cultural differences, just accept it. 
I guess one of the beauty of traveling is to enjoy these cultural differences. It's the thing that makes that country uniquely different from yours. Don't just go around complaining. It just spoils the whole trip- for you and also your travelling companion(s).

I guess that's all I have to rant for now. Hopefully I can put all these bad experiences behind me as soon as possible.

A new experience- travelling

I just came back from my Japan (Tokyo & Hakone) trip. And it was a bad experience because of my travelling partner. And she really hurt me.

On the last night of the trip, at the airport after the customs inspection at Haneda Airport, I just told her nicely that she should take note of the gate she should enter. It's important when you're travelling. And guess what her response was: Don't worry. I'll never travel with you anymore. I know that the trip wasn't what she expected it to be - all the walking and rules/culture, but really, to put the blame on me. *Sigh*

I guess here's just a note to people out there who's planning to travel. It's more like a FYI thing, to keep your expectations on your trip more realistic.

1. Try to be open-minded
You're going to a place which culture might be different from yours. It doesn't mean that it's wrong and that you should condemn it. Just accept it.

2. Language
Don't get angry at people just because they don't speak English and then condemn the whole community because of that. There are a lot of places where people don't speak your native language, but most of the time (if you're not frustrated at that moment), body language is easily understandable. It would be even better if you learn a couple of important words before you go.

3. Please note that if you're travelling on a budget, you really have to walk a lot. (No taxis- especially in Japan because they are freaking expensive)
It doesn't mean that if a place has a lot of train stations,  you do not have to walk that much. You still have to walk from one station to another etc.

4. Take care of yourself and your travelling companions.
I never knew I would have to teach a 24-year-old to take care of herself and that being apart (her being lost from me and didn't even bother to find me)from each other in a new country is bad. If your feet hurts, do something about it - get Salonpas and stick on your feet, go for foot reflexology, use compression socks, etc. Don't just expect for it to go away.

If you're tired, sleepy, then go to sleep. Don't be playing on your phone. Please keep your priorities straight.

5. If you're going to be on your phone a lot (Facebooking, watching videos etc.), then just forget about travelling.
Travelling (to me) means experiencing every single thing, looking out the window while riding a train, siting at the observation deck of the airport watching planes departing and arriving, window shopping (just looking at a different country's goods is fun, no?), etc.. All these simple things actually make the experience more fulfilling to me.

I guess it means that travelling is not just merely visiting the landmarks and taking the pictures and that's all. If that's really what you think travelling is, then I guess it'll be a very different one from mine.

When I came back, I kept asking myself, was it my fault that you had a bad experience? I really tried my best to compromise with you. I really did tried - I walked slower when your feet hurts and whenever I could remember (I am really not a fast walker. I walk at the same pace as every other normal person), I took care of you - got you motion sickness medicine which you didn't even bother to get for yourself, I got so many different Salonpas because you said your feet/leg hurts from walking, we got home early everyday just so that you can rest, I ask for your opinion to see if you would like to go to a place, and so much more.

At times, I really felt really frustrated that you were rolling your eyes and looking displeased at everything and complaining so much even though the Japanese were really very friendly and helpful. I was angry and mean at times too but I never said anything hurtful, maybe just an angry expression, or a I-don't-like-your-attitude kind of look.

I guess I have my own expectations too and was also (mildly?) frustrated that those expectations were not met (which are the above mentioned things). I travelled before with lots of different people and it had always been a good experience, so for this to be a bad experience with a friend that I have known since I was 9, was quite a shocker.

I guess in the end, the trip is not up to your expectations and you blame me for it. I'm sorry if it was really my fault.

1 month of no blogging

I didn't realised the last time I blogged was one month ago. A lot happened this past month. A lot happen every single day.

I never knew saving up for a trip can be so satisfying. Even planning for it and booking the hotels and flights are enjoyable. It all feels like this little goals you reach. It makes you feel a step closer to where you want to be, literally.

I have never enjoyed saving money before. I am usually the kind of person who spends every single penny she has. Trying to save wasn't easy. When I thought about going for this trip, I never thought of asking money from my parents. I wanted to go, so I should pay myself. I guess growing up make certain things really shameful to me, like asking your parents for money. Thinking of that just makes me cringe real bad.

Even when I thought of continuing my studies, the first thing that came to mind was that I don't want to use any of my parents money this time.

I used to see these people doing part time jobs in order to pay for their tuition or to get some extra money for travelling or to rely less on their parents. I used to think that it was not something I would do. My studies were too important to be neglected, I want to give my studies my 100% or 100% of my time and energy. I don't want something else to distract me.

But now, I guess I see things differently. Those people are doing part time work because they feel responsible for themselves whereas I felt responsible for my grades. Maybe now, I feel more responsible for myself. I guess maybe I finally graduated from that part of life and what matters to me is different now.

In a way, I am glad. I learn more about myself with each passing day. I learn the reasons behind my actions and the conditions behind my reasons. I understand more about how I work.

So what's my next step in life? I will probably still continue studying, I guess I never stopped. Even now I am studying everyday. Busy learning the Dhamma, doing my practice and learning Japanese language. I might not go for a degree or enter a university anymore but I can still buy books to study or go online to take some courses.

Meanwhile, I'll still do my writing projects so that I can one day publish a book I wrote. And also work to support myself.

What's the future like for me? Who knows? But I guess, I will probably want to travel to Japan again and again to see all of the prefectures and all the seasons. Maybe go to Korea one day.

I guess this life is just enough for me. It's satisfactory. It's me.

What's your story?

If someone asks you this question one day, what do you have to tell? I guess mine would be like this:

Growing up, I wanted to please my parents so much that I lose myself somehow. In that process, I was very successful and always top in the class and almost top in the school. But somehow, that was not me, and I realised it when I went to America and finally broke down from pushing myself too hard. 

So, for the past two years, I have been picking up all the little pieces of me and starting over again. When I broke down, it felt like I have died but when I picked myself up, it felt like I was reborn once again. I'm still picking up my pieces and fixing them together. 

That sounds about right. It sums up my entire life in two paragraphs.

If I were to die today...

If I were to die today, tomorrow or whenever it may be, please do not blame anyone. It is no one’s fault that I am dead. It is just a fact that I had died. 

If you start thinking that my death is caused by someone or something, you will never live in peace. You will always carry this grudge, this hatred in you because someone has ‘taken my life’. No one can take my life. The fact is that it was time for me to leave. My time is up.

So, one day when I die, please do not blame yourself, or anyone else on my death, whether it’s the doctors or nurses not working hard enough or even bombers or warheads. It’s not my fault. It’s not her fault. It’s not his fault. It’s no one’s fault. It is just the way of live. Those who are born must die someway or another.

Don’t be angry or grief-stricken. I had always been a part of your life and me leaving doesn’t mean that I am no longer a part of your life. As long as you remember me, there I will be in your memories.

My last wish before I die, when I leave this world is that you do not carry the burden of hatred, of anger, of regret. I had died and it is just as it is. Me passing away. Just let it be as simple as possible and you'll see that they are actually no strings attached. That you can actually let go and accept it. 

So, take care.

Standing Solid

I was going to name this post 'Standing Strong' or 'Standing Tall' but the word 'solid' fits more for me. Something stable and firm like a wall.

My good friend, Alicia showed me a TED talk ('Why 30 is not the new 20' by Meg Jay) and it made me think: At least I have most of her points done or incorporated into my life so far. As much as I can, because I want to live the life I want.

And how do I know what I want? I guess it's true what people say; that your failures or obstacles help define you. You begin to see what you're capable of doing, what you're not good at doing, what you like to do even though you suck at it, you learn all this different sides of you.

And sometimes, it's not only about learning these sides of you but also learning to accept them, which is one think people are incapable to do the most. We live in a society which thinks being accepted and/or liked by others is important. It leads to you not being bullied and open more doors. Let's say you're really fugly, doors will be slammed in your face no matter how good you are at singing. Unless of course you're willing to shed all that weight and/or go for cosmetic surgery which is evident in Asia (entertainment industry).Mainly because we expect them to be perfect and prefer a more good looking person with talent compared to an ugly one. Why? Easy, it's our fantasy we want to live out.

Okay, back to the topic at hand; after all that has happened to me in the past couple of years. It has been very 'defining'. Some of these events brought me to either my lowest lows or my highest highs.
They show me what I'm made of or what I want to be made of. It's like if you're a rubber ball, you would never know it until you're pushed off the table and bounce back up. Sometimes, you're a glass vase and end up broken when that happens, but you still learn something. Even though you're broken, if only you can accept it, then you're still you. There's nothing wrong with that actually. If there's one or two missing pieces, then let it be. Don't go going around upset about these missing pieces. You use to have no missing pieces but things changed. You change.

You grow taller, but you have to stop at some point, and then, you'll start shrinking. Funny thing is, this is a fact, the fact is that things change. But somehow or another, we don't like or want that to happen. You can't accept you when you change.

Self-acceptance is very rare these days. I have to agree with that because I was on both sides of the groups:the one with very little self-acceptance and the one with a lot of self-ego that they judge everyone else based on their standards. When I judge someone and realised what I'm doing, I cringe. I just did what I did not want others to do to me. I too do not want people to judge me because then, it's harder for me to accept myself.

But with all that has happened. My values have grown more firm. I know the emergency fire drill in case if there's a fire within me or something's wrong with me. But this is for now. For now, I feel everything being more stable. I know what I want when I don't know what I want. I know what to expect when I don't know what to expect. I know me and accept me.

A Sunday kind of day

I couldn't think of what to put as the post title so since it's Sunday, might as well use that word fancily. Haha!

So, I've been working on my project. Everyday felt like I was whisked away to this other world even when I'm at work, I'm happy. It's a bit tiring and really consuming my entire day, but it's fun. 

I'm now up to 15k words after four days *thank god*, have the main story line down along with most of the dialogues and all that's left is editing and adding of description etc. I make it sound so easy but I guess that this is the hard part for me because I'm not a very good at that. 

*Fingers crossed* let's hope that I can live this dream of mine.

Bad Dreams & Bad Omens

Everything I dream something goes wrong or is bad, I treat it as a bad omen and start walking on eggshells the whole day. It feels like: I have been warned, hence, I have to be on guard.

Have you ever felt that way?

Last night I was reading Rachel Gibson's 'Run to you' for 5 hours straight and it felt like nothing else existed, all the bad things, never crossed my mind. I went to bed happy with the story in mind.

But the bad dream came and waking up this morning made me realise, I have to go to work again. Probably life is more of a bad dream than my dream itself. I dread dread dread the idea of going to work now.

Let me describe what working is like: hypocritical- regarding the values system, waste of time, very emotional draining, unpleasant, scary- you never know who will take advantage of you or harass you or back stab you. That's all I can think of now.

I guess things are always too good to be true. When this job was first offered to me, I came here, offer was withdrawn because the previous person took back her resignation letter. But it was okay for me anyways. I thought it was rather weird that everyone was so nice. It really felt weird and I was always uncomfortable because this is not real (everyone being nice), I thought maybe this place really have nice people around. Boy was I wrong. It is actually people trying their best to be nice to please people. Trust me, this is scary. It's hard to describe it in words but if someone tries their hardest to be nice and please you, it probably means that something is not right.

There were many clues for me to leave this place and not continue staying on. The lady who previously held the position tried to quit twice. That should be a sign right? I thought it might be just that she couldn't stand it, and maybe I could. Note to self: do not think that you are any different from others. 

The stress she felt, the people she dealt with, etc. now I understand. After being here for 6 months, I saw what she saw in just 2 months.

Sometimes, incidences happen to show you what things really are. Mostly bad ones are the ones that teaches us. If something bad happens, that brings out the worse in people and you'll get to see their true character. The face they were trying to hide behind the mask.

I have also finally realised why some companies give out prizes/presents to those who have stuck around for so long. Those people must really have high tolerance level.

How dissatisfied are you?

Another rant? Yes, you are right. I guess now I sort of understand what everyone is constantly telling me:

1. Even if you're not happy with your job, you have to do it. 

2. My generation can't stand being criticised even a little. I always think I could withstand criticism. But I guess I don't. Someone gives me a little criticism, and I become very defensive. I try to control myself from saying anything because I know all words that come out won't be pretty. But the fact is, I  feel insulted by the criticism. 

Probably because when I did it, people never point it out until like a month later. It somehow felt like they are accumulating all your bad points and then pour it all out to you at once. And what's more, they don't do it in person, they do it via email or a text message. My guess is they do not like confrontation very much but like confrontation enough to tell it to you by email during their holidays. Very smart to be away when you tell something hurtful to someone. 

3. You really need weekends off, or at least one day off  each week. There is no way you can survive working on and on and on. Now I really salute those who work 2-3 jobs every single day. You guys are really superheros. I find that working every single day, even though if it is a menial job, takes up a lot of your emotional well-being. It's like staying in the water (or underwater) too long. You can continue staying in the water as long as you can, but there are side effects. 

I never truly believed it until 6 months later. I work every single day doing menial tasks and on my very precious days off I'm flying back home and spending the little time there and then commute back here. A 5 hour bus ride and also a 2 hour 15 minutes flight, not including the waiting time etc each way is not something you want. 

4. You never know what people are thinking. So, never trust anyone. Sometimes, don't even trust yourself when it comes to work. Learn to go by your instincts because they are guided by experience. 

5. Most of the time you won't know what to do. So, when that time comes, you can always go to the 2 people you never went to: your parents. I never asked my parents for any advice before this. But when I started working, I go to them all the time for advice. They are my go-to, they listen to me rant and understand me. So maybe the working life isn't that bad if it means that I bonded with my parents because of it. 

6. You're always at war with your values. Our values are something deeply rooted in us and if we go against it, we will feel very unpleasant. It's like a vegetarian forced to eat meat. It just don't feel right. And most of the time, your values don't matter to others. The boss' or company's values override yours. 

Now I understand when people say, pick a company that has the same value system as you.  I picked one that I thought had the same value system as mine, but turned out different because of the people in the company.

I guess the list can go on and on but I'll stop here for now. 

Let me rant

When I started working this job, I realised a couple of things:
1. Your off day is never an off day. Your time off of work is also not actually time off.

2. Even if you don't want to do it, you have to do it. Even if you don't agree with it, you have to do it.

3. You are not allowed to act independently.

4. Whatever the boss says goes.

5. People can twist your words to prove that they are right. People always try very hard to defend themselves even though they are wrong especially when they are wrong.


I have never experienced this much unpleasantness in any of my jobs before. I guess I'm lucky it only started now. And it's going to end soon. I am so glad I'll be quitting end of next month. I would love to quit earlier but there were certain circumstances that couldn't be avoided.

I have never been scared this much. I would jump at the sound of my phone whether it is text or a call, because it feels so much like a harassment now. The scared feeling envelope me constantly.

It's not good to be beautiful. It's not good to be pretty. Other girls think it is very good to be pretty, but it's because they aren't in an environment whereby that beauty brings along harassment. When I started realising that I'm not ugly, I found out that there are many dangers of it. It attracts the unnecessary, the unwanted, the feared.

And I have never hated men more than I have now.

Let go the elephant into the woods lo

That's what my sister told me when I told her I felt like I was carrying an elephant. If you can't understand Manglish, it means, "Why don't you let the elephant go into the woods?"

Me: Elephant hold tight to me
Sis: Elephant don't have hand
Me: They have trunks

Sometimes I think we're really funny. Maybe it's just me. If we are on a reality TV series, guarantee huge hit. Damn lots of lame jokes XD

A couple of them that I could remember are these:

1. It was after dinner and we were looking for oranges to eat:
Me: Mother, where are the oranges?
Mother: On the treamill!
Me: What are they doing there? Are you trying to make low-fat oranges?

2. Me & my sister were talking about pregnancies and how women give birth.
Sis: So the doctor press then fly out and catch?
Me: If twins how?
Sis: Hmmm...
Me: the nurse press down and the doctor use mitts to catch (making the action of a baseball player catching balls but with two hands  because two babies, get it? XD)

Okay, maybe my memory is failing me but I can only think of two examples.

Why are you sad?

I texted my sister saying that I am sad and she replied me asking me why. I tried thinking about why I am sad, but I just can't. I just felt sad without knowing. Have you ever experienced this? Sometimes, we just have no idea what the cause it.

Probably I was stressed out which lead to sadness. I know when I'm stressed out. My detector is gastric pain.

But I realised one thing though, it somehow is related with having people around me. When they are people around me, I tend to share my burden with them. They tend to take care of me too.

I always thought that I was the one who took care of others, shared their burden etc. but it turns out that I was sharing half of my unhappiness/happiness with them too.

I thought that I was strong, but I guess I was strong because of the people around me (those I care about). They shared half of my burden and I theirs. I guess this is the best meaning of a relationship to me. It works in a way that we never notice. Sometimes when you're with someone, you tend to feel better, more at ease, That is how sharing a burden feels. It's not whether that person wants to carry the burden for you or not. It's more to you wanting to share the burden with them or not.

When someone's giving you a breather by helping you with your burden, somehow, things don't seem so bleak. A breather is sometimes all you need after carrying the elephant on your back. If we live having this idea that I can never let this elephant down on the ground or pass it to someone to help me, how do you think we would feel? My guess is that we will feel very suffocated, the stress will only increase and never decrease.

Thank you for making my life bearable :)

Who are your favourite authors?

This is not in order of preference but more to order. I will always, no matter what, if I see any of these authors' books in a bookshop, buy it. Then, I will spend the entire night reading the whole book in one shot.

1. Sarah Addison Allen
- Garden Spells
- The Sugar Queen
- The Girl who Chased the Moon
- The Peach Keeper
I haven't read any of her new books since my depression. Somehow, when I had depression, I stayed as far away as I can from things I like because I don't want me to hate the things I once liked, or even stain it with my depression. Funny logic don't you think so?

2. Jessica Day George
- Princess of the Midnight Ball
- Princess of Glass
- Princess of the Silver Woods
- Dragon Slippers
- Dragon Flight
- Dragon Spear
- Sun and Moon, Ice and Snow


3. Rachel Gibson
-Truly Madly Yours 
-It Must Be Love
- True Confessions
- Simply Irresistible
-See Jane Score
- The Trouble with Valentine's Day
- True Love and Other Disasters
- Nothing but Trouble
- Daisy's Back in Town
- Sex, Lies and Online Dating
- I'm in No Mood for Love
- Tangled Up In You

I love my collection of books and I always tell my mum (before I leave the house for a long time): DO NOT THROW OR GIVE ANY OF MY BOOKS AWAY! They are my treasure :D

Now, when I think back of every single book, I just love all of them. The stories were all written so beautifully. They are simple, but yet, elaborated and told wonderfully. Like music to my heart. Sounds funny but sorts of make sense to me, so I'll take it.

Hopefully I can, one day, be as good as these favourite authors of mine.

What are your favourite games? Part 1

When I was younger, I used to be hook to my Play Station (PS), PS2, computer & PSP because of a number of games. It wasn't really to the point of terrible addiction that my grades suffer and what not as we (my sister & I) only get to play them on weekends (if we're free) and during the long school holidays. We had to make sure that we did all our house chores etc. at the same time.

And most importantly, we needed to learn how to share. I usually enjoy watching my sister play (she's definitely a better player than me) and I was so terrible my sister would never want to watch me play. Sometimes, she helps me play my character if I needed her too.

The conclusion is that I actually bonded with my second sister, a lot.

Here are some of the games I loved (that I could remember):
1. Harvest Moon Back to Nature (released in 1999)
It was initially introduced to me by my cousins, they were so hooked onto it, way more than we are, but in a controlled way, which most would assume as weird though (30 minutes - 1 hour a day for games like that) and they actually follow their schedule for more than a year. Very WTF right? I don't think I can even follow one for more than 1 week.

It's just so cute! I just knew that they now have websites with the cheats etc. (http://harvestmoon.wikia.com/wiki/Harvest_Moon:_Back_to_Nature) Last time, we were so old school we scribbled everything down! We test-tried everything! Also cos back then, we didn't have any internet or that the internet even have cheats like this. 

We didn't have the girl version then but I really wanted one, so had to wait until fate comes, because at that time, again: NO INTERNET, and the only access to games is through a small game shop T__________T

Until years later, we got a PSP and who knew, we managed to get the girl version one too!!! WEEE~ But the bad thing was that by then, we were sort of bored by it. 

But if I could, I would get this game again and put it in a safe!!! It's one of my ultimate childhood treasure! Okay, maybe after I finish playing with it. :D

2. Harvest Moon: A Wonderful Life

This game was more 3D compared to the older 2D version (refer to the above) and sort of upgraded? 

But the part I love the most is you can have kids!!! Not only farm animals! AND ALSO THE ANIMALS CAN GET PREGNANT! SO YOU CAN HAVE A BABY COW!!! Okay,well you can have that in the older version too but this is 3D~~ 

3. Suikoden V

This is an absolute love! I love learning about different war tactics that are really smart and this has so much of that! 

And plus, the graphics and characters are so awesome! They have short clips in between so it's really entertaining too! And they have DRAGONS! I love DRAGONS!! Even if it just looks like them. Upon saying this, I realised that the dragons in this game are not really dragons but dragon lookalikes. Oh well. 

So you're actually playing the character of the Prince, but you don't get to marry any pretty princesses etc. You're in war okay! 

But my favourite character is:

She's super smart! She knows all the war tactics etc. She knows what moves to make and what to expect and is always a couple of steps ahead of everyone else.

-To be continued-

Gratitude

I'm grateful for all the decisions I have made in my life- the good and the bad. Why? Because of them, I am alive today.

It struck me today that if I had kept pushing myself to study at the States, I would have been dead by now. If I had chosen to stay instead of leave, depression would have killed me. I am glad I made the choice to live.

People always say to me: "You're wasting your time." But the truth is, I am saving myself. I am saving my life. I am saving myself from this 'killer' you do not see. And each day, I am doing a damn good job saving myself, I am my own superwoman.

I am thankful that even though I know it will be a hard road, a tougher life, I manged to make this decision. I never regret it because here I am now, alive. More alive than I have ever been.

Each day I live now, I breathe in more and more life. My road may be full of shit, corpses, whatever foul thing you can think of, but I am still walking it. It's either this or jump down a cliff. Most would choose the easy way out but I didn't.

This post may seem a bit self-loathing but I truly truly feel grateful for me. For all that I have done. And I have never felt this way before.

You should try being grateful for you. For your being you. For you loving whatever you love. For all your decisions-good or bad. Because you are accepting you.

Two groups

After talking to my family and friends, I found that they can be divided into two categories: family & friends or old & young.

The old ones said this:
Don't go so far. Study anything here. Studying so far is just a (useless unrealistic) dream. Why go there when you can study here.

The young ones say this:
Yes, it is a difficult place where you are now. We will support whatever decision you make. 

The more I talk to people, the more I realise what I want. No matter how unrealistic it is, I still want that. People can't see what you see or experience what you experience and the young ones realise that, so they give a very neutral answer and try to be supportive. Whereas the old ones, having faced so much bad-ness in their lives and seeing others going through shit, say the most practical and realistic thing.

So now, which is good which is bad? I don't know. I just know that no matter what I pick, there will be some amount of shit-ness in it. It's just how much I can endure it that matters.And how much I want to endure it.

right now, I know what I truly want, but the starting of this path is just full with shit. Shit from the starting point to as far as my eye can see. But still I want to take it. What does that say about me? The old ones say: "You're stupid. Why don't you choose the one without shit?" But are you sure that it is not shitty at the end?

What is worth my time? Writing, being in the present moment, loving myself, learning new things  and doing things I love e.g. language, a cool science fact/discovery, how to do one's makeup, psychology, philosophy, some lame jokes, watching a new movie,learning the interesting concept behind the movie, have a good read, mostly fictional romance stories etc.

I doing those things I love now, almost on a daily basis. So why am I still unhappy? Because I try to think like people I am not. I try to be them.

I can still live like this right? It's like the biggest battle of my life. Basically last time, a couple of people read my palm and according to them, I will reach a point where the road forks out and then I will have to do the biggest decision in my life (sadly it's not choosing who to marry: between a hot superstar and a hot billionaire, you get the point). I never believed them, but here I am, somehow they are quite accurate, or maybe everyone of us just have this one big decision in life to make at a certain point of life, so meaning they are 100% accurate. Haha!

Jokes and laughing aside, I keep asking myself what to do every single day, and give myself very different answers each time. Looking up this, searching for that, clarifying another thing. It feels sort of tiring. But now when I think of it, most of my answers involved these: wanting to learn Japanese, wanting to go to Japan often if possible (staying there to study is even better), be able to earn enough to take care of myself and not piss my parents off or give them a heart attack. Basically, these 4 are my main focus. But looking at them like this, it doesn't seem realistic. Can I really put all 4 priorities together?

Sometimes it seems possible, sometimes not. It feels like I'm doing a tug of war between these 4 things, with the first two ganging up and the other 2 alone to defend themselves.

There was an idea that include all 4 priorities: I get a job, study Japanese on the weekends and whenever I am free (in the evenings), save sufficient money for a trip to Japan (one trip per year) but live as far away from my parents if possible. The last one made me laugh! Haha!

As of now, I am working, studying Japanese in my free time as much as I can and currently still saving  money for my trip to Japan this October. But somehow I still feel like it's not enough. Is this greed?

Sigh.

Your rock

Are you the one living this life or am I the one living this life? Who do you think will be affected most by my decision? You or me?

I try. I try so hard all my life to please you. But this has to end. Making you happy does not make me happy. And I realised that I did not have to make you happy in the first place. I didn't have to but I wanted to. Because I know how it feels to be you.

But I realised something. I never blame myself for my actions, for my decisions. But you did. You all did and still do. You judge me. You label me. You crticised my decisions. Maybe in attempt to improve me or what-not. But enough of that already. I cared so much about all that because I cared about how you all felt. I cared too much about all of you until I neglect myself.

Call me stupid or selfish or whatever you want to call me,  but my decision does not affect you in any way. You can still continue living your life. You just get pissed off or judgemental for a day or two. No biggie right? But for me, I am the one taking this ride. I am one driving this car. I am the one living this life. Any life-changing-decision I make is, guess what, changing my life. NOT YOURS.

You have all the right in the world to say whatever you think about what I do. And I also have all the right in the world to ignore it and do what I want, what I really want. To walk the path I really want, no matter how idiotic it might sound to you.

I asked my heart how do I love myself more, and it told me to not care about what everyone else said because when I did, it was like picking up arrows form the battlefield (their words) and sticking it into my chest. I did it myself. I took their words to heart. Why? Because I emphasized too much on loving others and neglected myself and how I felt.

I have to feel comfortable with my decisions. And I don't feel that way. I don't even feel confident in them. Why? Because they are not my decisions to begin with. It's like someone passed you a plate of food that they think is good or they might not be able to finish because they have too much on their plate, you can't say no and you end up having to eat it despite how much you dislike it just because you don't want to waste food and also don't want to irritate the other party. Sounds familar? Are you comfortable eating that plate of food? You already have something else you're eyeing for but you can't have it because you have this.

Everyone thinks that they have a say in your life because they're older, because they are wiser and you are not any of those. So you would be overruled by such a stupid rule.

If I don't mind taking the risk, taking responsibilities, then why can't I do it? Because society condemns failure you say? Because we should be perfect you say? Because we can't afford failing you say? Well, newsflash, all those does not matter to me. I failed and I saw the beauty of failure, the beauty of accepting failure, the beauty of working so hard and then when I failed never regretted. Have you ever felt that? My guess is NO. I start seeing the beauty of life when I live my life.

When I was living your life all I could see is pain, suffering, anger and all those negative feeling related to you. I didn't want to do it in the first place but somehow or another, you managed to brainwash me, to force me to do something I didn't like at all. And I hated you for that. I HATED YOU FOR ALL THAT. Because you wanted me to be a mini you. A perfect mini you.    

You couldn't bear seeing me fail. I couldn't bear to fail because I knew you couldn't bear seeing me fail. I hated myself more and more when I couldn't reach the high goals that the both of us set for me. Why set such high goals in the first place? It's because you do not know me, I know me, but I want to please you or think you are more right than me. And so I follow your thinking.

You say I fly too high up, okay. I come down. Then what now? What now? Do you have the answers? Are you the author of my life? No. You do not know what to do. You're just guessing. Whereas I know. I know what I want to do and what's next. I know what I want and you just want what's for the best.

You think that my way of thinking is wrong, but put yourself in my shoes. If I tell a man that these pumps/high heels are killing my feet would they believe me? Would they know how it feels without even wearing them? If you tried, if  for once, you cared about our feelings more than what should be right or wrong or socially acceptable, then you will see what we see. We feel more hurt when you think that we need some sort of fixing-our attitudes, our way of thinking, our choices in life, depression, everything.

One day, I will disappear from your life forever, and when that happens, take care of yourself.

History

I used to hate history when I was in school. But now, I guess I really like it. I'm starting to like it more and more because it makes sense: Why is this like this? Why is that like that? It's because of our past. It's like fixing a jigsaw puzzle and then see a clearer picture of what it is supposed to be.


One thing I didn't like about history though is that men have multiple wives and concubines. Maybe it is thanks to the conditioning of the society I am in now, but I just find it very off putting. I have no idea why they would want to have so many wives. Okay, maybe I do have some idea of why this is happening, which makes sense and if you live in that era, you'll most likely agree with that idea too.

Couple of reasons to agree with having many wives and/or concubines (long long time ago):
1. To get more allies. This is the most important factor I could think of because last time, all leaders were about expanding their territories, fighting battles yada yada yada. So the more good relationships you build, the bigger your cavalry? or maybe you get more support? No idea. I am trying my best to see this in a good light.

2. Those leaders: emperors, kings, daimyos etc. want to have a lot of children? Just in case if they die then they have a successor and if their successor died, it'll still be their successor (within the family line). Makes sense right?

3. They're just plain horny? How can you have time to run the country/area, go to war and at the same time have 10 wives? That is just crazy. Absurd. Idiotic. Imagine having 10 wives then if each one have 2 kids, then you have 10 wives and 20 kids in the household. What a headache.

Okay. I'm out of reasons.

But I guess, I would be scared if I'm one of those who is living in that era. There doesn't seem to be much security (not that we have a lot of it now). But in the world now, the reality is that a marriage should be between 2 person and not multiple partners (unless the law of your country or religion permits it).

Are we getting more selfish in a way that we cannot share the one we love? Or is it that we are slowly growing into a society that puts faithfulness to one's partner to override everything?

Maybe the society  grew to be more commitment-oriented. The commitment between this two person can only be achieved if there is no third person. If the third person exist, chances of jealousy and lack of trust/faithfulness might exist. This will cause the relationship to be unstable. I guess, in the end, it is stability we are talking about.

More important would be this question: are you able to love more than one person without hurting the person you originally love? Are you able to love them equally? Are you able to care for them all the same? It's hard. There will always be favourites. Then, they will always be one/two/more that will be left behind, abandoned, neglected. It's equality that our society sought for. And also our society cares for those already involved in the relationship. Probably because they know how it feels if you're on the side that's receiving less than you give.

Addition to Beauty now vs Then

I read this article from Tofugu (The Reason I Don't Want To Dye My Hair Black Again) and it was sort of eye opening on how girls perceive beauty in different cultures.

Some want beauty, some don't. The definition of beauty is so wide it seems.

But I guess those girls are right. If you want people to stop molesting you, it's a good idea to be the exact opposite of those they usually attack. The idea of girls being molested is just ridiculous. I guess if I am in a bad mood, I would scream at the guy who did it. Based on my understanding, the molesting usually take place in crowded trains (if I am not mistaken).

Who knew that girls put on that much make up just to scare off molesters. I thought it was just a fad. (Referring to Yamanba-make up)

Picture from http://thepowermakeup.blogspot.com/2014/09/ganguro-and-yamanba.html

So beauty 'Yay' or 'Nay'? In the case where you are threatened or in anyway made uncomfortable, then beauty would not be a thing you would want or even consider to have. If not, then I guess most girls would want beauty.

Happily ever after

(Picture from http://giftmeabreak.com/2011/11/11/wishing-all-couples-happily-ever-after/)

I always wonder what would be my 'happy-ever-after' be like. I think I finally got my answer last night. My 'happy-ever-after' will be death. That is the 'The End' to my story, to this life of mine. I'm not trying to make it sound negative or anything like that, but it's true. By the time I die, I would have enough happiness than I could ever have. That would be the perfect happy ending: that I have been happy all my life, living my life happily.

Isn't this story more beautiful? And it's achievable. Super achievable. 

(Picture from http://www.hdwallpaperup.com/2015/01/happy-little-girl/)

Beuaty: Now vs Then (In my opinion)

I guess if you watched movies or know a little about history, you would know that it ain't a pretty life to be pretty.

Reasons to support the above statement:
1.There was a hierarchy back then and also, men can have as much wives as they want. So if you're pretty, you could be kidnapped or forced to be the wife of a warrior/someone with high ranks that you don't like at all. At least if it was an arranged marriage, you can prepare yourself mentally for it?

Actually, I heard in Indonesia, this is still happening: warriors/strong men would force the girls to be their wives. If they do not oblige, then they threaten to kill them and/or their whole family/friends.

In India, the guys pour acid on the girls that reject them even till this day.

2. Wartime is the most dangerous for pretty girls. The soldiers rape and murder girls. If you're pretty, most probably you'll get extra unwanted attention.

Luckily at this modern time, most of us are not in those situations. Therefore the want to be beautiful grew and the industry grew with it. Nowadays, it is good to be beautiful, if you're not beautiful, you'll be bullied, have bad job options, etc. We start to accept ourselves less as we are.

I like the Hunger Games idea on beauty. The contradiction: why would people want to get rid of wrinkles when wrinkles is a gift to show others that you managed to live that long and also why would people want to be skinny when being fat shows that you are living a prosperous life. (This is roughly what I remembered)

Our modern society now is if you're rich, then you can get rid of the wrinkles and keep yourself looking young. If you're rich then you would have time to exercise to be skinny/fit instead of fat. If you notice, most poor people now (in America) are more fat instead of skinny because unhealthy fast-food is cheaper than healthy food.

Funny isn't it? We want people to be healthy and yet we make it only possible for the higher income class to have it. It's a funny funny way we live.

Okay. On to the point where beauty is very much needed or not needed in this modern age:
1. Job opportunities - This goes two ways though. Those who want to go up the ladder can use their looks to help them, using relationships to climb up. The opposite of that is that there are those who get sexually harassed in the workplace because of their pretty face.

Nowadays, jobs requiring good, attractive looks is on the rise, e.g. models, actresses, etc. If you're pretty, it's like a bonus point (I guess?) people tend to like you (unless of course you have a horrible personality). This is just an assumption and from what I experienced around me - from friends etc.

2. Marriage opportunities - Most girls would want to marry for money (unfortunately), so what other way to hook up a rich old geezer who's on the verge or not on the verge of dying but to attract them with their physical looks. In China, there are these matchmaking companies where rich men go to to look for wives. And most of the criteria are absurd! They only emphasize on their outlooks, saying they want a wife with big eyes, big boobs, small waist, tall, fair complexion etc. Fortunately, those girls are looking for the exact same thing! Rich, old, only want them for their looks etc. I guess they are what you call: match-made-in-heaven.

I'm not really on either side, more neutral (okay, maybe a little to the side that wants beauty), but it's funny seeing how people in the olden times don't want it for really practical reasons and we now want it for somewhat practical reasons too.

I used to think that I'm hideous, with pimples, large open pores, blackheads etc. but now I'm more comfortable with myself. (Thanks to photo apps and filters). I also used to think that only if you're pretty then someone will like you or the one you like will like you back. I don't know how true is that thought but the idea of it now sorts of make me flinch. I think that I must be a really funny person (last time) to have such ideas.

Baking

I couldn't think of anything to blog about so why not blog about what I want to bake or learn how to bake. Most of them are cutesy stuffs. Maybe not bake, but more to decorate also?

1. Beary cute macaroons
(http://www.bakerella.com/beary-cute-macarons/)

2.Cute Chick Japanese Curry Bread
(http://littlemissbento.com/2014/04/recipe-for-cute-chick-japanese-curry/)

3. Turtle-shaped Melon Bread

(https://cookpad.com/us/recipes/142927-so-cute-turtle-shaped-melon-bread)

4.Teddy Bear Bread

(http://www.larecetadelafelicidad.com/en/2012/05/teddy-bear-bread.html)

And for the not-so-cute but oh-so-delicious:

Spicy Cheese Bread

(http://badgerlicious.com/2011/11/27/madisons-spicy-cheese-bread/)

Okay. I have to confess that I really like baked goods. I do not really like the packaged bread loaf though. Or any kind that is most likely from a factory. As in the picture below.

(Picture from Pinterest)

I prefer one that is homemade or at the least, store made. The idea of having my bread come from a factory still creeps me out sometimes. I do not have a good view of  heavy machinery, probably because when I was very young, I watched a horror movie that took place in a factory with people being killed by all the machines. Maybe it was a movie about the accidents,but yeah, it just freaks me out. 

So no to factory made breads (if possible) and YAY to homemade breads~~

Lost or Found?

Right now, I feel that I am still searching, searching for answers without having questions myself. How can you find answers without questions? How would you have any clues on what you're supposed to find?

Picture from: http://gallery4share.com/a/alice-in-wonderland-quotes.html

Should I go? Should I stay? What should I do? What do I want? I don't know. I don't have the answers to any of them as of this moment. 

Or am I asking the wrong questions? I don't know. I feel very lost when I think of this, of the 'future'.

Picture from: http://www.buzzquotes.com/alice-in-wonderland-quotes

I guess this quote is the best description of me now.

Sometimes I want to excel, I want to be proud of myself again. I want to push my boundaries, live up to and beyond my potential because I know, I know I can do it. But there's a part of me inside that's scared of breaking down again. This little voice keeps asking, "Are you sure? Will you be strong enough? What if you break down again?" 

I want to be strong. For myself. Unfortunately that is pretty hard to do.

I want to be an author. A baker. In love. Learn new things everyday. There are so many things I want to be, but there are so many things holding me back: my responsibilities and financial reasons.

I want to go to Japan to continue my studies. But everyone is against it. They say that I only want high class things, I look down on Malaysia etc. But I don't. I am just that way. They can't accept it. It makes me sad. They can't accept me as I am. And I stupidly want everyone's acceptance and love so much that I told myself that my dreams doesn't matter. Dreams are meant to be dreams. Unrealized, just there to put a smile on your face, you beautiful 'what if...'.

Why can't I go against this? I know this, but why. Why can't I go against all this and get what I want?

Picture from: https://twitter.com/greenwoodsue/status/488231070035636224

What should I do? I told myself that I would fund myself for my education there, but still I want consent from my parents. They are the ones that raised me up and gave me life. I thought that this is the least I could do. 

But another voice comes up and says, "What if I fail again?". I told myself not to be afraid of failing, but then, how would I be able to pay up the loan I take up. 

Sometimes, I feel it's easier to just live without any strings attached. I don't have to worry about anyone else. Whether or not they give consent or not. It's easy to say "I don't care what they think." but to actually do it seeing their hurt faces.

I'm scared of studying again. I'm scared of not studying. I want to study. 

I've been pondering on this for quite a while now: Why do I want to continue studying since it's a waste of money and time? I think I finally got the answer (probably). I want to continue on with life. When the idea of studying is out of my mind, the idea of living is out too. I told myself to be content with just working a job that pays just enough for me to continue living my life. I can do that, but I think I might be one of those zombies. 

Picture from: http://hroutsider.com/2012/10/22/zombie-alert-beware-the-working-dead/

I might not know what will come after that, but for now, I want to complete my degree. But can I?

All the foods I miss

Lately I've been missing a lot of food. Especially the ones you only get in America :(

1. Chicago Deep Dish Pizza

Picture from: https://giordanos.com/the-menu/

2. The Cheesecake Factory Cheesecake!

Picture from : http://eastonway.com/cheesecake-factory-happy-hour/

3. Baklava (especially the Pistacio one!)

Picture from: http://www.amybites.com/?p=1962

4. Gyro

Picture from: http://foodimentary.com/tag/national-gyro-day/

5. Five Guys burgers & fries

Picture from: http://www.charlescountymd.gov/locations/five-guys-burgers-and-fries-la-plata

6. Dotty Dumpling's Dowry has the best burgers! 

Picture from: http://www.madisonoriginals.com/restaurant/?id=64

Picture from: http://www.dottydumplingsdowry.com/

7. Deep Fried Cheesecurds

Picture from: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cheese_curd

8. Bagels with strawberry cream cheese

Picture from: http://www.bocadelicatering.com/category/suggested-menus/continental-breakfast

9. Cinnamon rolls

Picture from: https://anokahennepin.cr3.rschooltoday.com/public/costoption/class_id/13305/public/1/

10. Buffalo wings

Picture from: http://paleoaholic.com/paleo/paleo-coconut-creamed-buffalo-wings/

11. S'mores

Picture from: http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/paula-deen/sure-fire-no-fire-smores-recipe.html

12. Guacamole

Picture from: http://angeliquepanagos.com/recipe-guacamole-dip/

Tiny Buddha Questions

I was thinking about what to write/blog about but couldn't come up with anything. So, why not answer some more questions :D Today's questions are from tinybuddha.com called 28 Powerful Questions for a Happy Life. Not sure if I'll be happier after answering it, but the questions seem really interesting to answer. Some questions I answered before in previous blog posts, so I'm skipping them because for now, I know that the answers would be the same. 

1. We learn from our mistakes, yet we’re always so afraid to make one. Where is this true for you?

I guess this statement is true for me in most parts of my life. But I find this statement really interesting because this is so true for most of us. 

In actual fact (to me), we are conditioned to be this way by our society. We are not supposed to make any mistakes, we are expected to be perfect because imperfections are not accepted. But if we do make mistakes, we are supposed to learn from our mistakes TO PREVENT US FROM MAKING IT AGAIN. 

I guess that this statement is missing it's front part. (you know how you go 'Once upon a time...' then you have '...boy meets girl & they fall in love...' and finally '... they lived happily ever after. The End.') The 'Once upon a time...' here may not mean much but it brings the real issue onto the surface. Sometimes people questions things because they just know part of it, or they question only part of it. 

2. What risk would you take if you knew you could not fail?

Again with a society-conditioned-idea. Not condoning the question but it's really interesting to see how many things our society has conditioned us to think or act without most of us knowing it. 

I would change the question to this: "What risk would you take if the idea of failing is not present (in your mind) or if you could accept failure?" This sounds more realistic. There is always a possibility of failing, ask any mathematician/scientist. 

A lot of us have many definitions of failure, so failure to one might not be same to another. I just notice that this statement is like saying the sky might be blue to one and not to another. *smacks head*

To answer the (altered) question, I might not know what risk I would take but I can know for sure that the fear of failure would not be there as a hindrance.

3. What is your greatest strength? Have any of your recent actions demonstrated this strength?

I would say that my greatest strength is the ability to be me without any judgments or fear. To be at peace with myself. 

I find that to be at peace with yourself takes more strength than to be at war with yourself. Same goes to countries/political parties. If it was that easy to be at peace with each other (not going to war or scolding each other in public - media etc.), then they would have done that. 

4. What are the top five things you cherish in your life?

The first that came to mind is my dogs, or should I put it as 'was' because they died long time ago. 

#2 would be my family

#3 my friends

I guess that's the end of my list? I sort of generalized them into one category though.  

5. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?

I would be as old as I want to be. But a voice in my head is screaming: "18!!!"

6. When do you stop calculating risk and rewards, and just do it?

 When I'm at peace with myself and everything around me. 

7. At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive?

When I was typing my heart out. 

8. What do you most connect with? Why?

My toy cat. It's my home. My safety net. My pillar.

11. Why do we do things we dislike and like the things we never seem to do?

It's called imagination/delusion. When we are not content with what we have, we start imagining how it should have been. I guess this would explain that statement.

12. What are you avoiding?

Living. People who try to hurt me. 

13. What is the one job/cause/activity that could get you out of bed happily for the rest of your life? Are you doing it now?

I don't know the answer to this question yet at this moment. 

14. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?

Nope. 

17. Do you find yourself influencing your world, or it influencing you?

When I was ignorant, the world was influencing me. I always had this turmoil inside me because of this. I wanted this but I also wanted the opposite of what I want. Why is that so? Because what I want and what the world wants me to want are two different things. When I finally knew that, which I just realised this month, I found that I was so STUPID. I have been living a life I never wanted just to please others. Just because I wanted to be accepted and loved by others, I lived a life that I did not want to live. 

18. Are you doing what you believe in or settling for what you’re doing?

A bit of both. The thing is, there is never just one thing that defines us for our entire life. We may be defined this way today but tomorrow it might change depending on your beliefs or the environment or other conditions.

19. What are you committed to?

I am committed to sleeping 8 hours a day every night. :D 

20. Which worries you more – doing things right or doing the right things?

I would worry more if I start worrying XD so my answer would be: I would try not to worry about both of this. 

21. If joy became the national currency, what kind of work would make you wealthy?

Any kind of work you enjoy. *cringing because I find this question too idealistic*

22. Have you been the kind of friend you’d want as one?

I think so?

23. Do any of the things that used to upset you a few years ago matter at all today? What’s changed?

I would not remember. If I do think that I remember, it would have been a distorted memory - a memory influenced by so many things that it is no longer the truth.

24. Would you rather have less work to do or more work you enjoy doing?

I don't know. If the first is just a neutral feeling, then why not for both? Too much of what you enjoy would not be pleasant. Imagine liking coffee and having only coffee for every meal

25. What permission do you need/want to move forward?

I guess I need my mother's and my family's consent to move forward with what I want to do.

26. Really, what do you have to lose if you go for it?

I  would not lose anything but it might hurt them, the people who took care of me, the people who gave me life and supported me. I should at least respect them enough to ask for their consent regarding major decisions in my life. 

27. How different would your life be if there weren’t any criticism in the world?

I wouldn't know, because I have never experienced such a world.

Today's questions!

Today's questions are from Divas with a purpose (15 Questions to ask yourself: Soul searching for your purpose). I'm beginning to like answering questions. These are so fun, I answer as honest as I can and the answers are always so surprising. So here's to another surprising day :D

1.      What’s the one thing I’ve always wanted to do? Consider what would need to happen in order for you to carry through with this long-sought wish. Make a plan and get started.

-Be an author. Write and publish a book, most probably fiction. 

-Fix the buildings in my secondary school (the windows, the doors - some of them can't even close or are missing! can you imagine that!) , add toilets (clean ones that are constantly supplied with water). My school just looks (notice the present tense) like it's from a horror/ghost movie.

-Travel to all the places I want to go (if possible, without a strict budget, but maybe sometimes try backpacking): Japan, every country in Europe (namely Germany, France, Italy, England, Ireland). And who better to travel with than my family and friends.

-Donate an ambulance to the hospital in my hometown because believe it or not, that government hospital only has 2-3 ambulances! And it covers up to an area that is 3-4 hours away by car. 

2.      If I could spend today doing whatever I desire, what would it be? Let your mind go. It could be something related to your work, your home, or simply a lark.

Haha! The lark thing is just hillarious! I guess I would lie in bed, enjoying being in the warmth of my blanket, hugging my toy cat and just being there for awhile before I have to get up. Then I might spend the day watching a movie or two. For food, I would like to eat whatever I am craving for that day.

3.      Where do I really want to live? What city and what type of residence? Perhaps you’re already fulfilling this passion and you do live in your true first choice. If not, ponder the possibilities of moving to a place you’ll love.

JAPAN! I would like to live there (if and when I master the language). I don't know which part yet though, but most probably Tokyo? It's hard to decide when you've never been there. Who knows I might like Kyoto or Osaka better. 

My second choice would be some European country. Staying in a little cottage somewhere far from the big cities but close enough to a grocery store if I needed to get something, have a small farm in the backyard and in the front, a garden. 

4.      Where would I like to visit? Perhaps you’re harboring a secret yearning to visit Washington, D.C. or Westminster Abbey in London. The streets of Hong Kong may be calling your name or even the Grand Canyon. Can you make it happen?

I would like to visit everywhere I could if possible. 

5.      What do I talk about doing but never do it? In a conversation, you might state something like, “For the last 10 years, I’ve really wanted to take a cruise to the Caribbean.”

Hmmm... I guess the answer would be: a) getting a boyfriend and b) writing my book

6.      What are the reasons I don’t go after my dreams? Explore within yourself why you haven’t pursued the life you want. Can you do something differently to help bring your dreams to life?

7.      How will I finish the sentence, “More than anything, before I die, I want to ___________?” Say it out loud and fill in the blank. Then, figure out a way to accomplish it.

...be at peace with myself. 

...love myself. 

...teach others to love themselves too. 

8.      What are the things in my life that I would like to get rid of? If you’re discovering you don’t love everything about your life, maybe it’s time to do some “housecleaning.” Make a list of the ways you’d like your life to change.

a) Stop with the negative thoughts

b) Be more physical/ Exercise more

c) Eat more fruits & vegetables

10.  How do I feel when I put all my effort into accomplishing one of my goals? Notice these feelings. You’ll no doubt want to experience them more often.

Tired. Honestly speaking, it feels very tiring. It feels like I'm caught in a rat race. Maybe I feel a little relief too, that all this is finally over. 

I guess this is all I'm going to answer (out of the 15 questions).