Lost or Found?

Right now, I feel that I am still searching, searching for answers without having questions myself. How can you find answers without questions? How would you have any clues on what you're supposed to find?

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Should I go? Should I stay? What should I do? What do I want? I don't know. I don't have the answers to any of them as of this moment. 

Or am I asking the wrong questions? I don't know. I feel very lost when I think of this, of the 'future'.

Picture from: http://www.buzzquotes.com/alice-in-wonderland-quotes

I guess this quote is the best description of me now.

Sometimes I want to excel, I want to be proud of myself again. I want to push my boundaries, live up to and beyond my potential because I know, I know I can do it. But there's a part of me inside that's scared of breaking down again. This little voice keeps asking, "Are you sure? Will you be strong enough? What if you break down again?" 

I want to be strong. For myself. Unfortunately that is pretty hard to do.

I want to be an author. A baker. In love. Learn new things everyday. There are so many things I want to be, but there are so many things holding me back: my responsibilities and financial reasons.

I want to go to Japan to continue my studies. But everyone is against it. They say that I only want high class things, I look down on Malaysia etc. But I don't. I am just that way. They can't accept it. It makes me sad. They can't accept me as I am. And I stupidly want everyone's acceptance and love so much that I told myself that my dreams doesn't matter. Dreams are meant to be dreams. Unrealized, just there to put a smile on your face, you beautiful 'what if...'.

Why can't I go against this? I know this, but why. Why can't I go against all this and get what I want?

Picture from: https://twitter.com/greenwoodsue/status/488231070035636224

What should I do? I told myself that I would fund myself for my education there, but still I want consent from my parents. They are the ones that raised me up and gave me life. I thought that this is the least I could do. 

But another voice comes up and says, "What if I fail again?". I told myself not to be afraid of failing, but then, how would I be able to pay up the loan I take up. 

Sometimes, I feel it's easier to just live without any strings attached. I don't have to worry about anyone else. Whether or not they give consent or not. It's easy to say "I don't care what they think." but to actually do it seeing their hurt faces.

I'm scared of studying again. I'm scared of not studying. I want to study. 

I've been pondering on this for quite a while now: Why do I want to continue studying since it's a waste of money and time? I think I finally got the answer (probably). I want to continue on with life. When the idea of studying is out of my mind, the idea of living is out too. I told myself to be content with just working a job that pays just enough for me to continue living my life. I can do that, but I think I might be one of those zombies. 

Picture from: http://hroutsider.com/2012/10/22/zombie-alert-beware-the-working-dead/

I might not know what will come after that, but for now, I want to complete my degree. But can I?