What are you fighting for? What are you running from?

It took me quite a while (probably a couple of minutes) to answer these questions:

1. What are you fighting for?
Myself.

2. What are you running from? 
Reality. Hurt. Pain. 

I realised today that all this while, even when I thought I did not love myself, I was actually the one who cared the most. I was (and still am) the one who takes care of myself the best I can. I paused my life just for me, so that I can heal. But this time around, I don't think it's time I need to heal my wounds. I don't know what it is, but I have paused a lot, too much that I pause to run away from getting hurt.

Maybe the cause of me being hurt is me being me. I can't help it.

Once you start running away and feel the great sense of relief from being away from all the pain the world has to offer, you start doing it more often. It's like taking drugs - most who take drugs want to run away from reality, from the reality that brings so much pain, the reality that hurts them.

I can feel fear in every part of my body. Even if I tried not to think about it, when the mind is triggered, the whole body reacts violently. "RUN!" it shouts. It collapses inwards until it becomes a ball

Let's say you're stuck in a box hanging up high in the air and one of the walls fell down, you would be more inclined to be far away from it because you're scared of falling off, right? That's how it feels. Everyday I see this and get paralysed from it. My knees feel weak and I feel a constant surge of fear each time I look at it. This happens so often that I think my life is that box with 3 walls.

Should I take a chance and just jump out? 

From past experiences, I'll get hurt. Probably I'm the kind of person who's really sensitive and get hurt easily. That could be why, if compared to others, I am like a wimp.

I want to fight for myself, to be able to live like normal again. That's what I always thought. Normal? I guess my normal is this and I got my wish didn't I? When I realised this, everything was less frustrating and I began to accept myself more. But others couldn't, they see my normal as a problem.

Maybe I should change the word 'normal' to 'be able to function well'. Hmmmm... But I am functioning well aren't I? I am still alive and fighting very hard to live.

People just can't see how much you're fighting if it's inside. People do not believe in things they can't see or experience.