Your rock

Are you the one living this life or am I the one living this life? Who do you think will be affected most by my decision? You or me?

I try. I try so hard all my life to please you. But this has to end. Making you happy does not make me happy. And I realised that I did not have to make you happy in the first place. I didn't have to but I wanted to. Because I know how it feels to be you.

But I realised something. I never blame myself for my actions, for my decisions. But you did. You all did and still do. You judge me. You label me. You crticised my decisions. Maybe in attempt to improve me or what-not. But enough of that already. I cared so much about all that because I cared about how you all felt. I cared too much about all of you until I neglect myself.

Call me stupid or selfish or whatever you want to call me,  but my decision does not affect you in any way. You can still continue living your life. You just get pissed off or judgemental for a day or two. No biggie right? But for me, I am the one taking this ride. I am one driving this car. I am the one living this life. Any life-changing-decision I make is, guess what, changing my life. NOT YOURS.

You have all the right in the world to say whatever you think about what I do. And I also have all the right in the world to ignore it and do what I want, what I really want. To walk the path I really want, no matter how idiotic it might sound to you.

I asked my heart how do I love myself more, and it told me to not care about what everyone else said because when I did, it was like picking up arrows form the battlefield (their words) and sticking it into my chest. I did it myself. I took their words to heart. Why? Because I emphasized too much on loving others and neglected myself and how I felt.

I have to feel comfortable with my decisions. And I don't feel that way. I don't even feel confident in them. Why? Because they are not my decisions to begin with. It's like someone passed you a plate of food that they think is good or they might not be able to finish because they have too much on their plate, you can't say no and you end up having to eat it despite how much you dislike it just because you don't want to waste food and also don't want to irritate the other party. Sounds familar? Are you comfortable eating that plate of food? You already have something else you're eyeing for but you can't have it because you have this.

Everyone thinks that they have a say in your life because they're older, because they are wiser and you are not any of those. So you would be overruled by such a stupid rule.

If I don't mind taking the risk, taking responsibilities, then why can't I do it? Because society condemns failure you say? Because we should be perfect you say? Because we can't afford failing you say? Well, newsflash, all those does not matter to me. I failed and I saw the beauty of failure, the beauty of accepting failure, the beauty of working so hard and then when I failed never regretted. Have you ever felt that? My guess is NO. I start seeing the beauty of life when I live my life.

When I was living your life all I could see is pain, suffering, anger and all those negative feeling related to you. I didn't want to do it in the first place but somehow or another, you managed to brainwash me, to force me to do something I didn't like at all. And I hated you for that. I HATED YOU FOR ALL THAT. Because you wanted me to be a mini you. A perfect mini you.    

You couldn't bear seeing me fail. I couldn't bear to fail because I knew you couldn't bear seeing me fail. I hated myself more and more when I couldn't reach the high goals that the both of us set for me. Why set such high goals in the first place? It's because you do not know me, I know me, but I want to please you or think you are more right than me. And so I follow your thinking.

You say I fly too high up, okay. I come down. Then what now? What now? Do you have the answers? Are you the author of my life? No. You do not know what to do. You're just guessing. Whereas I know. I know what I want to do and what's next. I know what I want and you just want what's for the best.

You think that my way of thinking is wrong, but put yourself in my shoes. If I tell a man that these pumps/high heels are killing my feet would they believe me? Would they know how it feels without even wearing them? If you tried, if  for once, you cared about our feelings more than what should be right or wrong or socially acceptable, then you will see what we see. We feel more hurt when you think that we need some sort of fixing-our attitudes, our way of thinking, our choices in life, depression, everything.

One day, I will disappear from your life forever, and when that happens, take care of yourself.