Two groups

After talking to my family and friends, I found that they can be divided into two categories: family & friends or old & young.

The old ones said this:
Don't go so far. Study anything here. Studying so far is just a (useless unrealistic) dream. Why go there when you can study here.

The young ones say this:
Yes, it is a difficult place where you are now. We will support whatever decision you make. 

The more I talk to people, the more I realise what I want. No matter how unrealistic it is, I still want that. People can't see what you see or experience what you experience and the young ones realise that, so they give a very neutral answer and try to be supportive. Whereas the old ones, having faced so much bad-ness in their lives and seeing others going through shit, say the most practical and realistic thing.

So now, which is good which is bad? I don't know. I just know that no matter what I pick, there will be some amount of shit-ness in it. It's just how much I can endure it that matters.And how much I want to endure it.

right now, I know what I truly want, but the starting of this path is just full with shit. Shit from the starting point to as far as my eye can see. But still I want to take it. What does that say about me? The old ones say: "You're stupid. Why don't you choose the one without shit?" But are you sure that it is not shitty at the end?

What is worth my time? Writing, being in the present moment, loving myself, learning new things  and doing things I love e.g. language, a cool science fact/discovery, how to do one's makeup, psychology, philosophy, some lame jokes, watching a new movie,learning the interesting concept behind the movie, have a good read, mostly fictional romance stories etc.

I doing those things I love now, almost on a daily basis. So why am I still unhappy? Because I try to think like people I am not. I try to be them.

I can still live like this right? It's like the biggest battle of my life. Basically last time, a couple of people read my palm and according to them, I will reach a point where the road forks out and then I will have to do the biggest decision in my life (sadly it's not choosing who to marry: between a hot superstar and a hot billionaire, you get the point). I never believed them, but here I am, somehow they are quite accurate, or maybe everyone of us just have this one big decision in life to make at a certain point of life, so meaning they are 100% accurate. Haha!

Jokes and laughing aside, I keep asking myself what to do every single day, and give myself very different answers each time. Looking up this, searching for that, clarifying another thing. It feels sort of tiring. But now when I think of it, most of my answers involved these: wanting to learn Japanese, wanting to go to Japan often if possible (staying there to study is even better), be able to earn enough to take care of myself and not piss my parents off or give them a heart attack. Basically, these 4 are my main focus. But looking at them like this, it doesn't seem realistic. Can I really put all 4 priorities together?

Sometimes it seems possible, sometimes not. It feels like I'm doing a tug of war between these 4 things, with the first two ganging up and the other 2 alone to defend themselves.

There was an idea that include all 4 priorities: I get a job, study Japanese on the weekends and whenever I am free (in the evenings), save sufficient money for a trip to Japan (one trip per year) but live as far away from my parents if possible. The last one made me laugh! Haha!

As of now, I am working, studying Japanese in my free time as much as I can and currently still saving  money for my trip to Japan this October. But somehow I still feel like it's not enough. Is this greed?

Sigh.