I'm grateful for all the decisions I have made in my life- the good and the bad. Why? Because of them, I am alive today.
It struck me today that if I had kept pushing myself to study at the States, I would have been dead by now. If I had chosen to stay instead of leave, depression would have killed me. I am glad I made the choice to live.
People always say to me: "You're wasting your time." But the truth is, I am saving myself. I am saving my life. I am saving myself from this 'killer' you do not see. And each day, I am doing a damn good job saving myself, I am my own superwoman.
I am thankful that even though I know it will be a hard road, a tougher life, I manged to make this decision. I never regret it because here I am now, alive. More alive than I have ever been.
Each day I live now, I breathe in more and more life. My road may be full of shit, corpses, whatever foul thing you can think of, but I am still walking it. It's either this or jump down a cliff. Most would choose the easy way out but I didn't.
This post may seem a bit self-loathing but I truly truly feel grateful for me. For all that I have done. And I have never felt this way before.
You should try being grateful for you. For your being you. For you loving whatever you love. For all your decisions-good or bad. Because you are accepting you.
Thursday, 30 July 2015
Tuesday, 28 July 2015
Two groups
After talking to my family and friends, I found that they can be divided into two categories: family & friends or old & young.
The old ones said this:
Don't go so far. Study anything here. Studying so far is just a (useless unrealistic) dream. Why go there when you can study here.
The young ones say this:
Yes, it is a difficult place where you are now. We will support whatever decision you make.
The more I talk to people, the more I realise what I want. No matter how unrealistic it is, I still want that. People can't see what you see or experience what you experience and the young ones realise that, so they give a very neutral answer and try to be supportive. Whereas the old ones, having faced so much bad-ness in their lives and seeing others going through shit, say the most practical and realistic thing.
So now, which is good which is bad? I don't know. I just know that no matter what I pick, there will be some amount of shit-ness in it. It's just how much I can endure it that matters.And how much I want to endure it.
right now, I know what I truly want, but the starting of this path is just full with shit. Shit from the starting point to as far as my eye can see. But still I want to take it. What does that say about me? The old ones say: "You're stupid. Why don't you choose the one without shit?" But are you sure that it is not shitty at the end?
What is worth my time? Writing, being in the present moment, loving myself, learning new things and doing things I love e.g. language, a cool science fact/discovery, how to do one's makeup, psychology, philosophy, some lame jokes, watching a new movie,learning the interesting concept behind the movie, have a good read, mostly fictional romance stories etc.
I doing those things I love now, almost on a daily basis. So why am I still unhappy? Because I try to think like people I am not. I try to be them.
I can still live like this right? It's like the biggest battle of my life. Basically last time, a couple of people read my palm and according to them, I will reach a point where the road forks out and then I will have to do the biggest decision in my life (sadly it's not choosing who to marry: between a hot superstar and a hot billionaire, you get the point). I never believed them, but here I am, somehow they are quite accurate, or maybe everyone of us just have this one big decision in life to make at a certain point of life, so meaning they are 100% accurate. Haha!
Jokes and laughing aside, I keep asking myself what to do every single day, and give myself very different answers each time. Looking up this, searching for that, clarifying another thing. It feels sort of tiring. But now when I think of it, most of my answers involved these: wanting to learn Japanese, wanting to go to Japan often if possible (staying there to study is even better), be able to earn enough to take care of myself and not piss my parents off or give them a heart attack. Basically, these 4 are my main focus. But looking at them like this, it doesn't seem realistic. Can I really put all 4 priorities together?
Sometimes it seems possible, sometimes not. It feels like I'm doing a tug of war between these 4 things, with the first two ganging up and the other 2 alone to defend themselves.
There was an idea that include all 4 priorities: I get a job, study Japanese on the weekends and whenever I am free (in the evenings), save sufficient money for a trip to Japan (one trip per year) but live as far away from my parents if possible. The last one made me laugh! Haha!
As of now, I am working, studying Japanese in my free time as much as I can and currently still saving money for my trip to Japan this October. But somehow I still feel like it's not enough. Is this greed?
Sigh.
The old ones said this:
Don't go so far. Study anything here. Studying so far is just a (useless unrealistic) dream. Why go there when you can study here.
The young ones say this:
Yes, it is a difficult place where you are now. We will support whatever decision you make.
The more I talk to people, the more I realise what I want. No matter how unrealistic it is, I still want that. People can't see what you see or experience what you experience and the young ones realise that, so they give a very neutral answer and try to be supportive. Whereas the old ones, having faced so much bad-ness in their lives and seeing others going through shit, say the most practical and realistic thing.
So now, which is good which is bad? I don't know. I just know that no matter what I pick, there will be some amount of shit-ness in it. It's just how much I can endure it that matters.And how much I want to endure it.
right now, I know what I truly want, but the starting of this path is just full with shit. Shit from the starting point to as far as my eye can see. But still I want to take it. What does that say about me? The old ones say: "You're stupid. Why don't you choose the one without shit?" But are you sure that it is not shitty at the end?
What is worth my time? Writing, being in the present moment, loving myself, learning new things and doing things I love e.g. language, a cool science fact/discovery, how to do one's makeup, psychology, philosophy, some lame jokes, watching a new movie,learning the interesting concept behind the movie, have a good read, mostly fictional romance stories etc.
I doing those things I love now, almost on a daily basis. So why am I still unhappy? Because I try to think like people I am not. I try to be them.
I can still live like this right? It's like the biggest battle of my life. Basically last time, a couple of people read my palm and according to them, I will reach a point where the road forks out and then I will have to do the biggest decision in my life (sadly it's not choosing who to marry: between a hot superstar and a hot billionaire, you get the point). I never believed them, but here I am, somehow they are quite accurate, or maybe everyone of us just have this one big decision in life to make at a certain point of life, so meaning they are 100% accurate. Haha!
Jokes and laughing aside, I keep asking myself what to do every single day, and give myself very different answers each time. Looking up this, searching for that, clarifying another thing. It feels sort of tiring. But now when I think of it, most of my answers involved these: wanting to learn Japanese, wanting to go to Japan often if possible (staying there to study is even better), be able to earn enough to take care of myself and not piss my parents off or give them a heart attack. Basically, these 4 are my main focus. But looking at them like this, it doesn't seem realistic. Can I really put all 4 priorities together?
Sometimes it seems possible, sometimes not. It feels like I'm doing a tug of war between these 4 things, with the first two ganging up and the other 2 alone to defend themselves.
There was an idea that include all 4 priorities: I get a job, study Japanese on the weekends and whenever I am free (in the evenings), save sufficient money for a trip to Japan (one trip per year) but live as far away from my parents if possible. The last one made me laugh! Haha!
As of now, I am working, studying Japanese in my free time as much as I can and currently still saving money for my trip to Japan this October. But somehow I still feel like it's not enough. Is this greed?
Sigh.
Friday, 24 July 2015
Your rock
Are you the one living this life or am I the one living this life? Who do you think will be affected most by my decision? You or me?
I try. I try so hard all my life to please you. But this has to end. Making you happy does not make me happy. And I realised that I did not have to make you happy in the first place. I didn't have to but I wanted to. Because I know how it feels to be you.
But I realised something. I never blame myself for my actions, for my decisions. But you did. You all did and still do. You judge me. You label me. You crticised my decisions. Maybe in attempt to improve me or what-not. But enough of that already. I cared so much about all that because I cared about how you all felt. I cared too much about all of you until I neglect myself.
Call me stupid or selfish or whatever you want to call me, but my decision does not affect you in any way. You can still continue living your life. You just get pissed off or judgemental for a day or two. No biggie right? But for me, I am the one taking this ride. I am one driving this car. I am the one living this life. Any life-changing-decision I make is, guess what, changing my life. NOT YOURS.
You have all the right in the world to say whatever you think about what I do. And I also have all the right in the world to ignore it and do what I want, what I really want. To walk the path I really want, no matter how idiotic it might sound to you.
I asked my heart how do I love myself more, and it told me to not care about what everyone else said because when I did, it was like picking up arrows form the battlefield (their words) and sticking it into my chest. I did it myself. I took their words to heart. Why? Because I emphasized too much on loving others and neglected myself and how I felt.
I have to feel comfortable with my decisions. And I don't feel that way. I don't even feel confident in them. Why? Because they are not my decisions to begin with. It's like someone passed you a plate of food that they think is good or they might not be able to finish because they have too much on their plate, you can't say no and you end up having to eat it despite how much you dislike it just because you don't want to waste food and also don't want to irritate the other party. Sounds familar? Are you comfortable eating that plate of food? You already have something else you're eyeing for but you can't have it because you have this.
Everyone thinks that they have a say in your life because they're older, because they are wiser and you are not any of those. So you would be overruled by such a stupid rule.
If I don't mind taking the risk, taking responsibilities, then why can't I do it? Because society condemns failure you say? Because we should be perfect you say? Because we can't afford failing you say? Well, newsflash, all those does not matter to me. I failed and I saw the beauty of failure, the beauty of accepting failure, the beauty of working so hard and then when I failed never regretted. Have you ever felt that? My guess is NO. I start seeing the beauty of life when I live my life.
When I was living your life all I could see is pain, suffering, anger and all those negative feeling related to you. I didn't want to do it in the first place but somehow or another, you managed to brainwash me, to force me to do something I didn't like at all. And I hated you for that. I HATED YOU FOR ALL THAT. Because you wanted me to be a mini you. A perfect mini you.
You couldn't bear seeing me fail. I couldn't bear to fail because I knew you couldn't bear seeing me fail. I hated myself more and more when I couldn't reach the high goals that the both of us set for me. Why set such high goals in the first place? It's because you do not know me, I know me, but I want to please you or think you are more right than me. And so I follow your thinking.
You say I fly too high up, okay. I come down. Then what now? What now? Do you have the answers? Are you the author of my life? No. You do not know what to do. You're just guessing. Whereas I know. I know what I want to do and what's next. I know what I want and you just want what's for the best.
You think that my way of thinking is wrong, but put yourself in my shoes. If I tell a man that these pumps/high heels are killing my feet would they believe me? Would they know how it feels without even wearing them? If you tried, if for once, you cared about our feelings more than what should be right or wrong or socially acceptable, then you will see what we see. We feel more hurt when you think that we need some sort of fixing-our attitudes, our way of thinking, our choices in life, depression, everything.
One day, I will disappear from your life forever, and when that happens, take care of yourself.
I try. I try so hard all my life to please you. But this has to end. Making you happy does not make me happy. And I realised that I did not have to make you happy in the first place. I didn't have to but I wanted to. Because I know how it feels to be you.
But I realised something. I never blame myself for my actions, for my decisions. But you did. You all did and still do. You judge me. You label me. You crticised my decisions. Maybe in attempt to improve me or what-not. But enough of that already. I cared so much about all that because I cared about how you all felt. I cared too much about all of you until I neglect myself.
Call me stupid or selfish or whatever you want to call me, but my decision does not affect you in any way. You can still continue living your life. You just get pissed off or judgemental for a day or two. No biggie right? But for me, I am the one taking this ride. I am one driving this car. I am the one living this life. Any life-changing-decision I make is, guess what, changing my life. NOT YOURS.
You have all the right in the world to say whatever you think about what I do. And I also have all the right in the world to ignore it and do what I want, what I really want. To walk the path I really want, no matter how idiotic it might sound to you.
I asked my heart how do I love myself more, and it told me to not care about what everyone else said because when I did, it was like picking up arrows form the battlefield (their words) and sticking it into my chest. I did it myself. I took their words to heart. Why? Because I emphasized too much on loving others and neglected myself and how I felt.
I have to feel comfortable with my decisions. And I don't feel that way. I don't even feel confident in them. Why? Because they are not my decisions to begin with. It's like someone passed you a plate of food that they think is good or they might not be able to finish because they have too much on their plate, you can't say no and you end up having to eat it despite how much you dislike it just because you don't want to waste food and also don't want to irritate the other party. Sounds familar? Are you comfortable eating that plate of food? You already have something else you're eyeing for but you can't have it because you have this.
Everyone thinks that they have a say in your life because they're older, because they are wiser and you are not any of those. So you would be overruled by such a stupid rule.
If I don't mind taking the risk, taking responsibilities, then why can't I do it? Because society condemns failure you say? Because we should be perfect you say? Because we can't afford failing you say? Well, newsflash, all those does not matter to me. I failed and I saw the beauty of failure, the beauty of accepting failure, the beauty of working so hard and then when I failed never regretted. Have you ever felt that? My guess is NO. I start seeing the beauty of life when I live my life.
When I was living your life all I could see is pain, suffering, anger and all those negative feeling related to you. I didn't want to do it in the first place but somehow or another, you managed to brainwash me, to force me to do something I didn't like at all. And I hated you for that. I HATED YOU FOR ALL THAT. Because you wanted me to be a mini you. A perfect mini you.
You couldn't bear seeing me fail. I couldn't bear to fail because I knew you couldn't bear seeing me fail. I hated myself more and more when I couldn't reach the high goals that the both of us set for me. Why set such high goals in the first place? It's because you do not know me, I know me, but I want to please you or think you are more right than me. And so I follow your thinking.
You say I fly too high up, okay. I come down. Then what now? What now? Do you have the answers? Are you the author of my life? No. You do not know what to do. You're just guessing. Whereas I know. I know what I want to do and what's next. I know what I want and you just want what's for the best.
You think that my way of thinking is wrong, but put yourself in my shoes. If I tell a man that these pumps/high heels are killing my feet would they believe me? Would they know how it feels without even wearing them? If you tried, if for once, you cared about our feelings more than what should be right or wrong or socially acceptable, then you will see what we see. We feel more hurt when you think that we need some sort of fixing-our attitudes, our way of thinking, our choices in life, depression, everything.
One day, I will disappear from your life forever, and when that happens, take care of yourself.
Wednesday, 22 July 2015
History
I used to hate history when I was in school. But now, I guess I really like it. I'm starting to like it more and more because it makes sense: Why is this like this? Why is that like that? It's because of our past. It's like fixing a jigsaw puzzle and then see a clearer picture of what it is supposed to be.
One thing I didn't like about history though is that men have multiple wives and concubines. Maybe it is thanks to the conditioning of the society I am in now, but I just find it very off putting. I have no idea why they would want to have so many wives. Okay, maybe I do have some idea of why this is happening, which makes sense and if you live in that era, you'll most likely agree with that idea too.
Couple of reasons to agree with having many wives and/or concubines (long long time ago):
1. To get more allies. This is the most important factor I could think of because last time, all leaders were about expanding their territories, fighting battles yada yada yada. So the more good relationships you build, the bigger your cavalry? or maybe you get more support? No idea. I am trying my best to see this in a good light.
2. Those leaders: emperors, kings, daimyos etc. want to have a lot of children? Just in case if they die then they have a successor and if their successor died, it'll still be their successor (within the family line). Makes sense right?
3. They're just plain horny? How can you have time to run the country/area, go to war and at the same time have 10 wives? That is just crazy. Absurd. Idiotic. Imagine having 10 wives then if each one have 2 kids, then you have 10 wives and 20 kids in the household. What a headache.
Okay. I'm out of reasons.
But I guess, I would be scared if I'm one of those who is living in that era. There doesn't seem to be much security (not that we have a lot of it now). But in the world now, the reality is that a marriage should be between 2 person and not multiple partners (unless the law of your country or religion permits it).
Are we getting more selfish in a way that we cannot share the one we love? Or is it that we are slowly growing into a society that puts faithfulness to one's partner to override everything?
Maybe the society grew to be more commitment-oriented. The commitment between this two person can only be achieved if there is no third person. If the third person exist, chances of jealousy and lack of trust/faithfulness might exist. This will cause the relationship to be unstable. I guess, in the end, it is stability we are talking about.
More important would be this question: are you able to love more than one person without hurting the person you originally love? Are you able to love them equally? Are you able to care for them all the same? It's hard. There will always be favourites. Then, they will always be one/two/more that will be left behind, abandoned, neglected. It's equality that our society sought for. And also our society cares for those already involved in the relationship. Probably because they know how it feels if you're on the side that's receiving less than you give.
One thing I didn't like about history though is that men have multiple wives and concubines. Maybe it is thanks to the conditioning of the society I am in now, but I just find it very off putting. I have no idea why they would want to have so many wives. Okay, maybe I do have some idea of why this is happening, which makes sense and if you live in that era, you'll most likely agree with that idea too.
Couple of reasons to agree with having many wives and/or concubines (long long time ago):
1. To get more allies. This is the most important factor I could think of because last time, all leaders were about expanding their territories, fighting battles yada yada yada. So the more good relationships you build, the bigger your cavalry? or maybe you get more support? No idea. I am trying my best to see this in a good light.
2. Those leaders: emperors, kings, daimyos etc. want to have a lot of children? Just in case if they die then they have a successor and if their successor died, it'll still be their successor (within the family line). Makes sense right?
3. They're just plain horny? How can you have time to run the country/area, go to war and at the same time have 10 wives? That is just crazy. Absurd. Idiotic. Imagine having 10 wives then if each one have 2 kids, then you have 10 wives and 20 kids in the household. What a headache.
Okay. I'm out of reasons.
But I guess, I would be scared if I'm one of those who is living in that era. There doesn't seem to be much security (not that we have a lot of it now). But in the world now, the reality is that a marriage should be between 2 person and not multiple partners (unless the law of your country or religion permits it).
Are we getting more selfish in a way that we cannot share the one we love? Or is it that we are slowly growing into a society that puts faithfulness to one's partner to override everything?
Maybe the society grew to be more commitment-oriented. The commitment between this two person can only be achieved if there is no third person. If the third person exist, chances of jealousy and lack of trust/faithfulness might exist. This will cause the relationship to be unstable. I guess, in the end, it is stability we are talking about.
More important would be this question: are you able to love more than one person without hurting the person you originally love? Are you able to love them equally? Are you able to care for them all the same? It's hard. There will always be favourites. Then, they will always be one/two/more that will be left behind, abandoned, neglected. It's equality that our society sought for. And also our society cares for those already involved in the relationship. Probably because they know how it feels if you're on the side that's receiving less than you give.
Wednesday, 15 July 2015
Addition to Beauty now vs Then
I read this article from Tofugu (The Reason I Don't Want To Dye My Hair Black Again) and it was sort of eye opening on how girls perceive beauty in different cultures.
Some want beauty, some don't. The definition of beauty is so wide it seems.
But I guess those girls are right. If you want people to stop molesting you, it's a good idea to be the exact opposite of those they usually attack. The idea of girls being molested is just ridiculous. I guess if I am in a bad mood, I would scream at the guy who did it. Based on my understanding, the molesting usually take place in crowded trains (if I am not mistaken).
Who knew that girls put on that much make up just to scare off molesters. I thought it was just a fad. (Referring to Yamanba-make up)
So beauty 'Yay' or 'Nay'? In the case where you are threatened or in anyway made uncomfortable, then beauty would not be a thing you would want or even consider to have. If not, then I guess most girls would want beauty.
Some want beauty, some don't. The definition of beauty is so wide it seems.
But I guess those girls are right. If you want people to stop molesting you, it's a good idea to be the exact opposite of those they usually attack. The idea of girls being molested is just ridiculous. I guess if I am in a bad mood, I would scream at the guy who did it. Based on my understanding, the molesting usually take place in crowded trains (if I am not mistaken).
Who knew that girls put on that much make up just to scare off molesters. I thought it was just a fad. (Referring to Yamanba-make up)
Picture from http://thepowermakeup.blogspot.com/2014/09/ganguro-and-yamanba.html
Monday, 13 July 2015
Happily ever after
(Picture from http://giftmeabreak.com/2011/11/11/wishing-all-couples-happily-ever-after/)
I always wonder what would be my 'happy-ever-after' be like. I think I finally got my answer last night. My 'happy-ever-after' will be death. That is the 'The End' to my story, to this life of mine. I'm not trying to make it sound negative or anything like that, but it's true. By the time I die, I would have enough happiness than I could ever have. That would be the perfect happy ending: that I have been happy all my life, living my life happily.
Isn't this story more beautiful? And it's achievable. Super achievable.
(Picture from http://www.hdwallpaperup.com/2015/01/happy-little-girl/)
Beuaty: Now vs Then (In my opinion)
I guess if you watched movies or know a little about history, you would know that it ain't a pretty life to be pretty.
Reasons to support the above statement:
1.There was a hierarchy back then and also, men can have as much wives as they want. So if you're pretty, you could be kidnapped or forced to be the wife of a warrior/someone with high ranks that you don't like at all. At least if it was an arranged marriage, you can prepare yourself mentally for it?
Actually, I heard in Indonesia, this is still happening: warriors/strong men would force the girls to be their wives. If they do not oblige, then they threaten to kill them and/or their whole family/friends.
In India, the guys pour acid on the girls that reject them even till this day.
2. Wartime is the most dangerous for pretty girls. The soldiers rape and murder girls. If you're pretty, most probably you'll get extra unwanted attention.
Luckily at this modern time, most of us are not in those situations. Therefore the want to be beautiful grew and the industry grew with it. Nowadays, it is good to be beautiful, if you're not beautiful, you'll be bullied, have bad job options, etc. We start to accept ourselves less as we are.
I like the Hunger Games idea on beauty. The contradiction: why would people want to get rid of wrinkles when wrinkles is a gift to show others that you managed to live that long and also why would people want to be skinny when being fat shows that you are living a prosperous life. (This is roughly what I remembered)
Our modern society now is if you're rich, then you can get rid of the wrinkles and keep yourself looking young. If you're rich then you would have time to exercise to be skinny/fit instead of fat. If you notice, most poor people now (in America) are more fat instead of skinny because unhealthy fast-food is cheaper than healthy food.
Funny isn't it? We want people to be healthy and yet we make it only possible for the higher income class to have it. It's a funny funny way we live.
Okay. On to the point where beauty is very much needed or not needed in this modern age:
1. Job opportunities - This goes two ways though. Those who want to go up the ladder can use their looks to help them, using relationships to climb up. The opposite of that is that there are those who get sexually harassed in the workplace because of their pretty face.
Nowadays, jobs requiring good, attractive looks is on the rise, e.g. models, actresses, etc. If you're pretty, it's like a bonus point (I guess?) people tend to like you (unless of course you have a horrible personality). This is just an assumption and from what I experienced around me - from friends etc.
2. Marriage opportunities - Most girls would want to marry for money (unfortunately), so what other way to hook up a rich old geezer who's on the verge or not on the verge of dying but to attract them with their physical looks. In China, there are these matchmaking companies where rich men go to to look for wives. And most of the criteria are absurd! They only emphasize on their outlooks, saying they want a wife with big eyes, big boobs, small waist, tall, fair complexion etc. Fortunately, those girls are looking for the exact same thing! Rich, old, only want them for their looks etc. I guess they are what you call: match-made-in-heaven.
I'm not really on either side, more neutral (okay, maybe a little to the side that wants beauty), but it's funny seeing how people in the olden times don't want it for really practical reasons and we now want it for somewhat practical reasons too.
I used to think that I'm hideous, with pimples, large open pores, blackheads etc. but now I'm more comfortable with myself. (Thanks to photo apps and filters). I also used to think that only if you're pretty then someone will like you or the one you like will like you back. I don't know how true is that thought but the idea of it now sorts of make me flinch. I think that I must be a really funny person (last time) to have such ideas.
Reasons to support the above statement:
1.There was a hierarchy back then and also, men can have as much wives as they want. So if you're pretty, you could be kidnapped or forced to be the wife of a warrior/someone with high ranks that you don't like at all. At least if it was an arranged marriage, you can prepare yourself mentally for it?
Actually, I heard in Indonesia, this is still happening: warriors/strong men would force the girls to be their wives. If they do not oblige, then they threaten to kill them and/or their whole family/friends.
In India, the guys pour acid on the girls that reject them even till this day.
2. Wartime is the most dangerous for pretty girls. The soldiers rape and murder girls. If you're pretty, most probably you'll get extra unwanted attention.
Luckily at this modern time, most of us are not in those situations. Therefore the want to be beautiful grew and the industry grew with it. Nowadays, it is good to be beautiful, if you're not beautiful, you'll be bullied, have bad job options, etc. We start to accept ourselves less as we are.
I like the Hunger Games idea on beauty. The contradiction: why would people want to get rid of wrinkles when wrinkles is a gift to show others that you managed to live that long and also why would people want to be skinny when being fat shows that you are living a prosperous life. (This is roughly what I remembered)
Our modern society now is if you're rich, then you can get rid of the wrinkles and keep yourself looking young. If you're rich then you would have time to exercise to be skinny/fit instead of fat. If you notice, most poor people now (in America) are more fat instead of skinny because unhealthy fast-food is cheaper than healthy food.
Funny isn't it? We want people to be healthy and yet we make it only possible for the higher income class to have it. It's a funny funny way we live.
Okay. On to the point where beauty is very much needed or not needed in this modern age:
1. Job opportunities - This goes two ways though. Those who want to go up the ladder can use their looks to help them, using relationships to climb up. The opposite of that is that there are those who get sexually harassed in the workplace because of their pretty face.
Nowadays, jobs requiring good, attractive looks is on the rise, e.g. models, actresses, etc. If you're pretty, it's like a bonus point (I guess?) people tend to like you (unless of course you have a horrible personality). This is just an assumption and from what I experienced around me - from friends etc.
2. Marriage opportunities - Most girls would want to marry for money (unfortunately), so what other way to hook up a rich old geezer who's on the verge or not on the verge of dying but to attract them with their physical looks. In China, there are these matchmaking companies where rich men go to to look for wives. And most of the criteria are absurd! They only emphasize on their outlooks, saying they want a wife with big eyes, big boobs, small waist, tall, fair complexion etc. Fortunately, those girls are looking for the exact same thing! Rich, old, only want them for their looks etc. I guess they are what you call: match-made-in-heaven.
I'm not really on either side, more neutral (okay, maybe a little to the side that wants beauty), but it's funny seeing how people in the olden times don't want it for really practical reasons and we now want it for somewhat practical reasons too.
I used to think that I'm hideous, with pimples, large open pores, blackheads etc. but now I'm more comfortable with myself. (Thanks to photo apps and filters). I also used to think that only if you're pretty then someone will like you or the one you like will like you back. I don't know how true is that thought but the idea of it now sorts of make me flinch. I think that I must be a really funny person (last time) to have such ideas.
Sunday, 12 July 2015
Baking
I couldn't think of anything to blog about so why not blog about what I want to bake or learn how to bake. Most of them are cutesy stuffs. Maybe not bake, but more to decorate also?
1. Beary cute macaroons
(http://www.bakerella.com/beary-cute-macarons/)
2.Cute Chick Japanese Curry Bread
(http://littlemissbento.com/2014/04/recipe-for-cute-chick-japanese-curry/)
1. Beary cute macaroons
(http://www.bakerella.com/beary-cute-macarons/)
2.Cute Chick Japanese Curry Bread
(http://littlemissbento.com/2014/04/recipe-for-cute-chick-japanese-curry/)
3. Turtle-shaped Melon Bread
(https://cookpad.com/us/recipes/142927-so-cute-turtle-shaped-melon-bread)
4.Teddy Bear Bread
(http://www.larecetadelafelicidad.com/en/2012/05/teddy-bear-bread.html)
And for the not-so-cute but oh-so-delicious:
Spicy Cheese Bread
(http://badgerlicious.com/2011/11/27/madisons-spicy-cheese-bread/)
Okay. I have to confess that I really like baked goods. I do not really like the packaged bread loaf though. Or any kind that is most likely from a factory. As in the picture below.
(Picture from Pinterest)
I prefer one that is homemade or at the least, store made. The idea of having my bread come from a factory still creeps me out sometimes. I do not have a good view of heavy machinery, probably because when I was very young, I watched a horror movie that took place in a factory with people being killed by all the machines. Maybe it was a movie about the accidents,but yeah, it just freaks me out.
So no to factory made breads (if possible) and YAY to homemade breads~~
Saturday, 11 July 2015
Lost or Found?
Picture from: http://gallery4share.com/a/alice-in-wonderland-quotes.html
Should I go? Should I stay? What should I do? What do I want? I don't know. I don't have the answers to any of them as of this moment.
Or am I asking the wrong questions? I don't know. I feel very lost when I think of this, of the 'future'.
Picture from: http://www.buzzquotes.com/alice-in-wonderland-quotes
I guess this quote is the best description of me now.
Sometimes I want to excel, I want to be proud of myself again. I want to push my boundaries, live up to and beyond my potential because I know, I know I can do it. But there's a part of me inside that's scared of breaking down again. This little voice keeps asking, "Are you sure? Will you be strong enough? What if you break down again?"
I want to be strong. For myself. Unfortunately that is pretty hard to do.
I want to be an author. A baker. In love. Learn new things everyday. There are so many things I want to be, but there are so many things holding me back: my responsibilities and financial reasons.
I want to go to Japan to continue my studies. But everyone is against it. They say that I only want high class things, I look down on Malaysia etc. But I don't. I am just that way. They can't accept it. It makes me sad. They can't accept me as I am. And I stupidly want everyone's acceptance and love so much that I told myself that my dreams doesn't matter. Dreams are meant to be dreams. Unrealized, just there to put a smile on your face, you beautiful 'what if...'.
Why can't I go against this? I know this, but why. Why can't I go against all this and get what I want?
Picture from: https://twitter.com/greenwoodsue/status/488231070035636224
What should I do? I told myself that I would fund myself for my education there, but still I want consent from my parents. They are the ones that raised me up and gave me life. I thought that this is the least I could do.
But another voice comes up and says, "What if I fail again?". I told myself not to be afraid of failing, but then, how would I be able to pay up the loan I take up.
I'm scared of studying again. I'm scared of not studying. I want to study.
I've been pondering on this for quite a while now: Why do I want to continue studying since it's a waste of money and time? I think I finally got the answer (probably). I want to continue on with life. When the idea of studying is out of my mind, the idea of living is out too. I told myself to be content with just working a job that pays just enough for me to continue living my life. I can do that, but I think I might be one of those zombies.
Picture from: http://hroutsider.com/2012/10/22/zombie-alert-beware-the-working-dead/
I might not know what will come after that, but for now, I want to complete my degree. But can I?
Thursday, 9 July 2015
All the foods I miss
Lately I've been missing a lot of food. Especially the ones you only get in America :(
1. Chicago Deep Dish Pizza
2. The Cheesecake Factory Cheesecake!
1. Chicago Deep Dish Pizza
Picture from: https://giordanos.com/the-menu/
2. The Cheesecake Factory Cheesecake!
Picture from : http://eastonway.com/cheesecake-factory-happy-hour/
3. Baklava (especially the Pistacio one!)
Picture from: http://www.amybites.com/?p=1962
4. Gyro
Picture from: http://foodimentary.com/tag/national-gyro-day/
5. Five Guys burgers & fries
Picture from: http://www.charlescountymd.gov/locations/five-guys-burgers-and-fries-la-plata
6. Dotty Dumpling's Dowry has the best burgers!
Picture from: http://www.madisonoriginals.com/restaurant/?id=64
Picture from: http://www.dottydumplingsdowry.com/
7. Deep Fried Cheesecurds
Picture from: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cheese_curd
8. Bagels with strawberry cream cheese
Picture from: http://www.bocadelicatering.com/category/suggested-menus/continental-breakfast
9. Cinnamon rolls
Picture from: https://anokahennepin.cr3.rschooltoday.com/public/costoption/class_id/13305/public/1/
10. Buffalo wings
Picture from: http://paleoaholic.com/paleo/paleo-coconut-creamed-buffalo-wings/
11. S'mores
Picture from: http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/paula-deen/sure-fire-no-fire-smores-recipe.html
12. Guacamole
Picture from: http://angeliquepanagos.com/recipe-guacamole-dip/
Wednesday, 8 July 2015
Tiny Buddha Questions
I was thinking about what to write/blog about but couldn't come up with anything. So, why not answer some more questions :D Today's questions are from tinybuddha.com called 28 Powerful Questions for a Happy Life. Not sure if I'll be happier after answering it, but the questions seem really interesting to answer. Some questions I answered before in previous blog posts, so I'm skipping them because for now, I know that the answers would be the same.
1. We learn from our mistakes, yet we’re always so afraid to
make one. Where is this true for you?
I guess this statement is true for me in most parts of my life. But I find this statement really interesting because this is so true for most of us.
In actual fact (to me), we are conditioned to be this way by our society. We are not supposed to make any mistakes, we are expected to be perfect because imperfections are not accepted. But if we do make mistakes, we are supposed to learn from our mistakes TO PREVENT US FROM MAKING IT AGAIN.
I guess that this statement is missing it's front part. (you know how you go 'Once upon a time...' then you have '...boy meets girl & they fall in love...' and finally '... they lived happily ever after. The End.') The 'Once upon a time...' here may not mean much but it brings the real issue onto the surface. Sometimes people questions things because they just know part of it, or they question only part of it.
2. What risk would you take if you knew you could not fail?
3. What is your greatest strength? Have any of your recent
actions demonstrated this strength?
I would say that my greatest strength is the ability to be me without any judgments or fear. To be at peace with myself.
I find that to be at peace with yourself takes more strength than to be at war with yourself. Same goes to countries/political parties. If it was that easy to be at peace with each other (not going to war or scolding each other in public - media etc.), then they would have done that.
4. What are the top five things you cherish in your life?
The first that came to mind is my dogs, or should I put it as 'was' because they died long time ago.
#2 would be my family
#3 my friends
I guess that's the end of my list? I sort of generalized them into one category though.
5. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?
I would be as old as I want to be. But a voice in my head is screaming: "18!!!"
6. When do you stop calculating risk and rewards, and just
do it?
7. At what time in your recent past have you felt most
passionate and alive?
8. What do you most connect with? Why?
My toy cat. It's my home. My safety net. My pillar.
11. Why do we do things we dislike and like the things we
never seem to do?
12. What are you avoiding?
13. What is the one job/cause/activity that could get you
out of bed happily for the rest of your life? Are you doing it now?
14. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more
than you’ve done?
17. Do you find yourself influencing your world, or it
influencing you?
18. Are you doing what you believe in or settling for what
you’re doing?
A bit of both. The thing is, there is never just one thing that defines us for our entire life. We may be defined this way today but tomorrow it might change depending on your beliefs or the environment or other conditions.
19. What are you committed to?
20. Which worries you more – doing things right or doing the
right things?
I would worry more if I start worrying XD so my answer would be: I would try not to worry about both of this.
21. If joy became the national currency, what kind of work
would make you wealthy?
Any kind of work you enjoy. *cringing because I find this question too idealistic*
22. Have you been the kind of friend you’d want as one?
23. Do any of the things that used to upset you a few years
ago matter at all today? What’s changed?
24. Would you rather have less work to do or more work you
enjoy doing?
I don't know. If the first is just a neutral feeling, then why not for both? Too much of what you enjoy would not be pleasant. Imagine liking coffee and having only coffee for every meal
25. What permission do you need/want to move forward?
I guess I need my mother's and my family's consent to move forward with what I want to do.
26. Really, what do you have to lose if you go for it?
I would not lose anything but it might hurt them, the people who took care of me, the people who gave me life and supported me. I should at least respect them enough to ask for their consent regarding major decisions in my life.
27. How different would your life be if there weren’t any
criticism in the world?
I wouldn't know, because I have never experienced such a world.
Monday, 6 July 2015
Today's questions!
Today's questions are from Divas with a purpose (15 Questions to ask yourself: Soul searching for your purpose). I'm beginning to like answering questions. These are so fun, I answer as honest as I can and the answers are always so surprising. So here's to another surprising day :D
1. What’s the one thing
I’ve always wanted to do? Consider what would
need to happen in order for you to carry through with this long-sought wish.
Make a plan and get started.
-Be an author. Write and publish a book, most probably fiction.
-Fix the buildings in my secondary school (the windows, the doors - some of them can't even close or are missing! can you imagine that!) , add toilets (clean ones that are constantly supplied with water). My school just looks (notice the present tense) like it's from a horror/ghost movie.
-Travel to all the places I want to go (if possible, without a strict budget, but maybe sometimes try backpacking): Japan, every country in Europe (namely Germany, France, Italy, England, Ireland). And who better to travel with than my family and friends.
-Donate an ambulance to the hospital in my hometown because believe it or not, that government hospital only has 2-3 ambulances! And it covers up to an area that is 3-4 hours away by car.
2. If I could spend today
doing whatever I desire, what would it be? Let your mind go. It could be something
related to your work, your home, or simply a lark.
Haha! The lark thing is just hillarious! I guess I would lie in bed, enjoying being in the warmth of my blanket, hugging my toy cat and just being there for awhile before I have to get up. Then I might spend the day watching a movie or two. For food, I would like to eat whatever I am craving for that day.
3. Where do I really want
to live? What city and what type of residence? Perhaps you’re already fulfilling this passion
and you do live in your true first choice. If not, ponder the possibilities of
moving to a place you’ll love.
JAPAN! I would like to live there (if and when I master the language). I don't know which part yet though, but most probably Tokyo? It's hard to decide when you've never been there. Who knows I might like Kyoto or Osaka better.
My second choice would be some European country. Staying in a little cottage somewhere far from the big cities but close enough to a grocery store if I needed to get something, have a small farm in the backyard and in the front, a garden.
4. Where would I like to
visit? Perhaps you’re
harboring a secret yearning to visit Washington, D.C. or Westminster Abbey in
London. The streets of Hong Kong may be calling your name or even the Grand
Canyon. Can you make it happen?
I would like to visit everywhere I could if possible.
5. What do I talk about
doing but never do it? In a conversation, you
might state something like, “For the last 10 years, I’ve really wanted to take
a cruise to the Caribbean.”
Hmmm... I guess the answer would be: a) getting a boyfriend and b) writing my book
6. What are the reasons I
don’t go after my dreams? Explore within
yourself why you haven’t pursued the life you want. Can you do something
differently to help bring your dreams to life?
7. How will I finish the
sentence, “More than anything, before I die, I want to ___________?” Say it out loud and fill in the
blank. Then, figure out a way to accomplish it.
...be at peace with myself.
...love myself.
...teach others to love themselves too.
8. What are the things in
my life that I would like to get rid of? If you’re discovering you don’t love everything about your life,
maybe it’s time to do some “housecleaning.” Make a list of the ways you’d like
your life to change.
a) Stop with the negative thoughts
b) Be more physical/ Exercise more
c) Eat more fruits & vegetables
10. How do I feel when I
put all my effort into accomplishing one of my goals? Notice these feelings. You’ll no doubt want to
experience them more often.
Tired. Honestly speaking, it feels very tiring. It feels like I'm caught in a rat race. Maybe I feel a little relief too, that all this is finally over.
I guess this is all I'm going to answer (out of the 15 questions).
Sunday, 5 July 2015
Questions from Lifehack
I found some questions from Lifehack (30 Thought-Provoking Questions You Should Ask Yourself Everyday) that was really interesting. So let's try to answer some of them.
11. Have I made someone smile today?
I guess? I made potato salad for breakfast and shared it with 2 others. Not sure if they did smile though.
12. What have I given up on?
Studying for a degree. My thoughts.
13. When did I last push the boundaries of my comfort zone?
I would say everyday I am pushing my boundaries (of my comfort zone). I'm living in a jungle. Have no friends around to talk to, the only ones I talk to are dogs and a cat.
14. If I had to instill one piece of advice in a newborn baby's mind, what advice would I give?
Different is not bad. It is as it is. If you accept things as they are and not label them (as "different") then life wold be much easier.
15. What small act of kindness was I once shown that I will never forget?
Once when I was in Thailand (ALL ALONE), I was really down in the dumps. I had just told my mother I had depression and she sent me there to be 'cured' (joining a retreat). But things got worse and I just wanted to leave. My mum didn't want me to leave (according to her: it is for my own good) but ended up letting me leave. The day that I told the organiser I wanted to leave, this kind lady talked to me. She listened to every little thing I said, see me cry my eyes out and all that drama. But she never once give me that judging look, she was so accepting and kind. I guess that made me want to be like her.
18. Is it more important to love or be loved?
For me, to love is more important than to be loved. We all want to be loved back if we love someone, but reality, most of the time, does not work that way. A person whose heart is big enough to love every single person despite their flaws is a very hard to find. Someone who accept you as who you are and do not judge you for your mistakes.
To be loved is decided by others/fate, to love is decided by yourself.
19. How many of my friends would I trust with my life?
All of them.
20. Who has had the greatest impact on my life?
Me. I had the greatest impact on my own life.
21. Would I break the law to save a loved one?
That depends on what law we are talking about. If I have to kill someone, then no.
But I guess, ultimately, the answer would be no. I know that my loved ones wouldn't want to be saved by me breaking the law.
22. Would I steal to feed a starving child?
No. There are many other ways that I can feed a starving child. Worse case scenario, we feed on grass and leaves. There are plenty of those around.
25. Which is worse: failing or never trying?
This is a little hard to answer. It depends on the situation. To me, I make decisions weighing both pros and cons then when I finally decide, I ask myself this: "Are you willing to take responsibility (being scolded, blamed etc.)and not regret it if you take this woute?" If I answer yes, then I know for sure that this is the decision.
27. What's the one thing I'd like others to remember about me at the end of my life?
That I really cherished them and loved everyone of them.
11. Have I made someone smile today?
I guess? I made potato salad for breakfast and shared it with 2 others. Not sure if they did smile though.
12. What have I given up on?
Studying for a degree. My thoughts.
13. When did I last push the boundaries of my comfort zone?
I would say everyday I am pushing my boundaries (of my comfort zone). I'm living in a jungle. Have no friends around to talk to, the only ones I talk to are dogs and a cat.
14. If I had to instill one piece of advice in a newborn baby's mind, what advice would I give?
Different is not bad. It is as it is. If you accept things as they are and not label them (as "different") then life wold be much easier.
15. What small act of kindness was I once shown that I will never forget?
Once when I was in Thailand (ALL ALONE), I was really down in the dumps. I had just told my mother I had depression and she sent me there to be 'cured' (joining a retreat). But things got worse and I just wanted to leave. My mum didn't want me to leave (according to her: it is for my own good) but ended up letting me leave. The day that I told the organiser I wanted to leave, this kind lady talked to me. She listened to every little thing I said, see me cry my eyes out and all that drama. But she never once give me that judging look, she was so accepting and kind. I guess that made me want to be like her.
18. Is it more important to love or be loved?
For me, to love is more important than to be loved. We all want to be loved back if we love someone, but reality, most of the time, does not work that way. A person whose heart is big enough to love every single person despite their flaws is a very hard to find. Someone who accept you as who you are and do not judge you for your mistakes.
To be loved is decided by others/fate, to love is decided by yourself.
19. How many of my friends would I trust with my life?
All of them.
20. Who has had the greatest impact on my life?
Me. I had the greatest impact on my own life.
21. Would I break the law to save a loved one?
That depends on what law we are talking about. If I have to kill someone, then no.
But I guess, ultimately, the answer would be no. I know that my loved ones wouldn't want to be saved by me breaking the law.
22. Would I steal to feed a starving child?
No. There are many other ways that I can feed a starving child. Worse case scenario, we feed on grass and leaves. There are plenty of those around.
25. Which is worse: failing or never trying?
This is a little hard to answer. It depends on the situation. To me, I make decisions weighing both pros and cons then when I finally decide, I ask myself this: "Are you willing to take responsibility (being scolded, blamed etc.)and not regret it if you take this woute?" If I answer yes, then I know for sure that this is the decision.
27. What's the one thing I'd like others to remember about me at the end of my life?
That I really cherished them and loved everyone of them.
Question yourself
I was randomly scrolling through articles on wikiHow and stumble upon this article: Find Your Purpose in Life
Here are some of the questions they asked to begin assessing one's life purpose. So let's start answering.
Here are some of the questions they asked to begin assessing one's life purpose. So let's start answering.
·
When have you been happiest in your life?
I guess it was when I was in America. I was walking down the street to go grocery shopping one day. Stepping into the snow, seeing the snowflakes falling, I was just very thankful and happy that I finally made it there. I am finally where I wanted to be. I have worked so hard to go there. I went through A LOT of obstacles, especially with my parents and family. Everyone kept discouraging me from going. Everyone said that I shouldn't go.
It was a couple of months after I started my student life in America. All the while, I struggled (the cultural difference, the difference in lecture styles, homework/course work), I never once gave up. I pushed myself and I managed to go beyond my expectations. I am not that smart when compared with all my University friends, but at least I know I worked really hard.
I'm also so proud of myself that I managed to last so long there, even though I didn't manage to finish my degree as I was having depression.
I'm proud that I manage to stick to my decision of coming back and not regretting it once. I never asked myself all the "What if...?" questions people would ask themselves after making a decision.
·
What qualities do you most admire in other people?
1. Integrity (according to Google means "the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles; moral uprightness")
If I see someone who has this quality, I feel a strong sense of respect for them. An example where I find people lack of this is when their boss is not in the office, they tend to leave early.
2. Not gossiping/back stabbing
I guess would admire this quality of not gossiping/back stabbing. It builds trust in a way. And you don't get hurt.
·
What makes you feel really alive and energized?
I feel really alive and energized right after I wake up either from a nap or a good night's rest . Other than that, a good meditation session helps and finally being able to accept/let go of some thing/idea/concept/thought. Writing about how I feel makes me feel that way too.
·
How happy do you feel on an everyday basis?
Hmmm... It depends. You will normally see a smile on my face but I think that smile is more programmed/conditioned rather than expressing the feeling of being happy.
·
If you had one week to live, how would you spend that week?
GO TO JAPAN! (This was the first thought that came up) But I guess the more sensible thing I would do is spend half of the time I have left with my aunts and cousins back in Kuching then half back at my hometown with my nucleus family. And I would devour all the good food!
·
What “shoulds”(S) are overriding your “want tos”(WT)?
This is a tough one. But I'll try listing them out:
should (S) : want to (WT)
- not waste money : study
- study : save money
- not love : love
- live : run away
- be content : treat myself well
- be a good daughter: run away from all responsibilities/burdens/duties
- be a good person : scold some sense into (some) people who needs a scolding
I think it will take me forever if I were to answer this question.
·
If you could change one thing about the world, what would it be?
That there be no thought that "Difference is bad/scary/wrong".
Long story short, people are at war, killing each other because you are not like me, you are wrong. People bully others for the same reason too.
· What one change
could make your life happier?
Less thinking and more living. I find that my thoughts (good/bad/neutral) affects my mental and physical health greatly. If my focuskeeps going out (be absorb in thinking), then who is there to take care of this house (my body) and the children living in it (my feelings etc.).
Saturday, 4 July 2015
Trips Cost Estimation
Hmm.. A thought suddenly occurred to me that Hong Kong might be a good place to visit. The next thought is this: I want to bring my parents with me and pay for the entire trip, if possible.
Okay, so here goes the estimation for the budget (assuming it's just the 3 of us and we'll be there for maybe 4D 3N):
1. Flight tickets (round trip) = RM790 x 3 = RM2,370
2. Hotel = RM 550/night x 3 nights = RM1,650
3. Food = RM 400/day x 4 days = RM1,600
4. Transport = RM500
5. Shopping = RM1,000
6. Other activities = RM500
7. Misc. = RM300
TOTAL = RM7,920
Looking at the numbers alone is scary. But if compared to my estimated Japan trip budget, I guess this is reasonable. My total budget for that trip is RM6,000 (for a seven day trip for one person).
1. Flight tickets (round trip) = RM1,100 (not including luggage)
2. Hotel = RM1,000
3. Food = RM1,200
4. Transport = RM500
5. Shopping = RM1,600
6. Other activities = RM500
7. Misc. = RM100
I guess after my trip to Japan, I have to start saving up again. Well, at least this gives me something to look forward to.
Okay, so here goes the estimation for the budget (assuming it's just the 3 of us and we'll be there for maybe 4D 3N):
1. Flight tickets (round trip) = RM790 x 3 = RM2,370
2. Hotel = RM 550/night x 3 nights = RM1,650
3. Food = RM 400/day x 4 days = RM1,600
4. Transport = RM500
5. Shopping = RM1,000
6. Other activities = RM500
7. Misc. = RM300
TOTAL = RM7,920
Looking at the numbers alone is scary. But if compared to my estimated Japan trip budget, I guess this is reasonable. My total budget for that trip is RM6,000 (for a seven day trip for one person).
1. Flight tickets (round trip) = RM1,100 (not including luggage)
2. Hotel = RM1,000
3. Food = RM1,200
4. Transport = RM500
5. Shopping = RM1,600
6. Other activities = RM500
7. Misc. = RM100
I guess after my trip to Japan, I have to start saving up again. Well, at least this gives me something to look forward to.
What I learnt about myself today (July 4, 2015) - Fear
When I see/ heard from someone/ judge from experience that person A is a bad person, I would avoid Person A. It somehow feels like a mother seeing a dirty old beggar on the street and try to bring her child further away from him. When I put it that way, I find my actions kind of wrong. I shouldn't judge a person and act that way. It's not right.
But like the mother example, the action stems out from something innocent: the want to protect her child (in my case, I want to protect me). It's a little like a knee-jerk reaction, some people have it, some people don't. Maybe this sense of wanting to protect myself comes from fear. When you're scared of dogs, what's your reaction when you see one? You try to walk as far away from it.
From this experience, I noticed that many parts of my life/actions I have taken were (and still are) largely consumed/motivated/influenced by fear. Fear made me do things I am uncomfortable (e.g. ) without me knowing.
Last year end, I had a realization that some of the things in my life was influenced by fear. Now, I think more than 50% of my daily life alone is being manipulated by fear.
Once I started recognizing fear (how it felt, how my body reacted to it, etc.) I started seeing it more and more. I used to be blinded to it, never knew it's existence. Probably because I always told myself "I'm not scared.", "I'm tough.", "Only weak people get scared.", etc.
Now that I found out a problem, what do I do with it?
But like the mother example, the action stems out from something innocent: the want to protect her child (in my case, I want to protect me). It's a little like a knee-jerk reaction, some people have it, some people don't. Maybe this sense of wanting to protect myself comes from fear. When you're scared of dogs, what's your reaction when you see one? You try to walk as far away from it.
From this experience, I noticed that many parts of my life/actions I have taken were (and still are) largely consumed/motivated/influenced by fear. Fear made me do things I am uncomfortable (e.g. ) without me knowing.
Last year end, I had a realization that some of the things in my life was influenced by fear. Now, I think more than 50% of my daily life alone is being manipulated by fear.
Once I started recognizing fear (how it felt, how my body reacted to it, etc.) I started seeing it more and more. I used to be blinded to it, never knew it's existence. Probably because I always told myself "I'm not scared.", "I'm tough.", "Only weak people get scared.", etc.
Now that I found out a problem, what do I do with it?
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