What's your story?

If someone asks you this question one day, what do you have to tell? I guess mine would be like this:

Growing up, I wanted to please my parents so much that I lose myself somehow. In that process, I was very successful and always top in the class and almost top in the school. But somehow, that was not me, and I realised it when I went to America and finally broke down from pushing myself too hard. 

So, for the past two years, I have been picking up all the little pieces of me and starting over again. When I broke down, it felt like I have died but when I picked myself up, it felt like I was reborn once again. I'm still picking up my pieces and fixing them together. 

That sounds about right. It sums up my entire life in two paragraphs.

If I were to die today...

If I were to die today, tomorrow or whenever it may be, please do not blame anyone. It is no one’s fault that I am dead. It is just a fact that I had died. 

If you start thinking that my death is caused by someone or something, you will never live in peace. You will always carry this grudge, this hatred in you because someone has ‘taken my life’. No one can take my life. The fact is that it was time for me to leave. My time is up.

So, one day when I die, please do not blame yourself, or anyone else on my death, whether it’s the doctors or nurses not working hard enough or even bombers or warheads. It’s not my fault. It’s not her fault. It’s not his fault. It’s no one’s fault. It is just the way of live. Those who are born must die someway or another.

Don’t be angry or grief-stricken. I had always been a part of your life and me leaving doesn’t mean that I am no longer a part of your life. As long as you remember me, there I will be in your memories.

My last wish before I die, when I leave this world is that you do not carry the burden of hatred, of anger, of regret. I had died and it is just as it is. Me passing away. Just let it be as simple as possible and you'll see that they are actually no strings attached. That you can actually let go and accept it. 

So, take care.

Standing Solid

I was going to name this post 'Standing Strong' or 'Standing Tall' but the word 'solid' fits more for me. Something stable and firm like a wall.

My good friend, Alicia showed me a TED talk ('Why 30 is not the new 20' by Meg Jay) and it made me think: At least I have most of her points done or incorporated into my life so far. As much as I can, because I want to live the life I want.

And how do I know what I want? I guess it's true what people say; that your failures or obstacles help define you. You begin to see what you're capable of doing, what you're not good at doing, what you like to do even though you suck at it, you learn all this different sides of you.

And sometimes, it's not only about learning these sides of you but also learning to accept them, which is one think people are incapable to do the most. We live in a society which thinks being accepted and/or liked by others is important. It leads to you not being bullied and open more doors. Let's say you're really fugly, doors will be slammed in your face no matter how good you are at singing. Unless of course you're willing to shed all that weight and/or go for cosmetic surgery which is evident in Asia (entertainment industry).Mainly because we expect them to be perfect and prefer a more good looking person with talent compared to an ugly one. Why? Easy, it's our fantasy we want to live out.

Okay, back to the topic at hand; after all that has happened to me in the past couple of years. It has been very 'defining'. Some of these events brought me to either my lowest lows or my highest highs.
They show me what I'm made of or what I want to be made of. It's like if you're a rubber ball, you would never know it until you're pushed off the table and bounce back up. Sometimes, you're a glass vase and end up broken when that happens, but you still learn something. Even though you're broken, if only you can accept it, then you're still you. There's nothing wrong with that actually. If there's one or two missing pieces, then let it be. Don't go going around upset about these missing pieces. You use to have no missing pieces but things changed. You change.

You grow taller, but you have to stop at some point, and then, you'll start shrinking. Funny thing is, this is a fact, the fact is that things change. But somehow or another, we don't like or want that to happen. You can't accept you when you change.

Self-acceptance is very rare these days. I have to agree with that because I was on both sides of the groups:the one with very little self-acceptance and the one with a lot of self-ego that they judge everyone else based on their standards. When I judge someone and realised what I'm doing, I cringe. I just did what I did not want others to do to me. I too do not want people to judge me because then, it's harder for me to accept myself.

But with all that has happened. My values have grown more firm. I know the emergency fire drill in case if there's a fire within me or something's wrong with me. But this is for now. For now, I feel everything being more stable. I know what I want when I don't know what I want. I know what to expect when I don't know what to expect. I know me and accept me.

A Sunday kind of day

I couldn't think of what to put as the post title so since it's Sunday, might as well use that word fancily. Haha!

So, I've been working on my project. Everyday felt like I was whisked away to this other world even when I'm at work, I'm happy. It's a bit tiring and really consuming my entire day, but it's fun. 

I'm now up to 15k words after four days *thank god*, have the main story line down along with most of the dialogues and all that's left is editing and adding of description etc. I make it sound so easy but I guess that this is the hard part for me because I'm not a very good at that. 

*Fingers crossed* let's hope that I can live this dream of mine.

Bad Dreams & Bad Omens

Everything I dream something goes wrong or is bad, I treat it as a bad omen and start walking on eggshells the whole day. It feels like: I have been warned, hence, I have to be on guard.

Have you ever felt that way?

Last night I was reading Rachel Gibson's 'Run to you' for 5 hours straight and it felt like nothing else existed, all the bad things, never crossed my mind. I went to bed happy with the story in mind.

But the bad dream came and waking up this morning made me realise, I have to go to work again. Probably life is more of a bad dream than my dream itself. I dread dread dread the idea of going to work now.

Let me describe what working is like: hypocritical- regarding the values system, waste of time, very emotional draining, unpleasant, scary- you never know who will take advantage of you or harass you or back stab you. That's all I can think of now.

I guess things are always too good to be true. When this job was first offered to me, I came here, offer was withdrawn because the previous person took back her resignation letter. But it was okay for me anyways. I thought it was rather weird that everyone was so nice. It really felt weird and I was always uncomfortable because this is not real (everyone being nice), I thought maybe this place really have nice people around. Boy was I wrong. It is actually people trying their best to be nice to please people. Trust me, this is scary. It's hard to describe it in words but if someone tries their hardest to be nice and please you, it probably means that something is not right.

There were many clues for me to leave this place and not continue staying on. The lady who previously held the position tried to quit twice. That should be a sign right? I thought it might be just that she couldn't stand it, and maybe I could. Note to self: do not think that you are any different from others. 

The stress she felt, the people she dealt with, etc. now I understand. After being here for 6 months, I saw what she saw in just 2 months.

Sometimes, incidences happen to show you what things really are. Mostly bad ones are the ones that teaches us. If something bad happens, that brings out the worse in people and you'll get to see their true character. The face they were trying to hide behind the mask.

I have also finally realised why some companies give out prizes/presents to those who have stuck around for so long. Those people must really have high tolerance level.

How dissatisfied are you?

Another rant? Yes, you are right. I guess now I sort of understand what everyone is constantly telling me:

1. Even if you're not happy with your job, you have to do it. 

2. My generation can't stand being criticised even a little. I always think I could withstand criticism. But I guess I don't. Someone gives me a little criticism, and I become very defensive. I try to control myself from saying anything because I know all words that come out won't be pretty. But the fact is, I  feel insulted by the criticism. 

Probably because when I did it, people never point it out until like a month later. It somehow felt like they are accumulating all your bad points and then pour it all out to you at once. And what's more, they don't do it in person, they do it via email or a text message. My guess is they do not like confrontation very much but like confrontation enough to tell it to you by email during their holidays. Very smart to be away when you tell something hurtful to someone. 

3. You really need weekends off, or at least one day off  each week. There is no way you can survive working on and on and on. Now I really salute those who work 2-3 jobs every single day. You guys are really superheros. I find that working every single day, even though if it is a menial job, takes up a lot of your emotional well-being. It's like staying in the water (or underwater) too long. You can continue staying in the water as long as you can, but there are side effects. 

I never truly believed it until 6 months later. I work every single day doing menial tasks and on my very precious days off I'm flying back home and spending the little time there and then commute back here. A 5 hour bus ride and also a 2 hour 15 minutes flight, not including the waiting time etc each way is not something you want. 

4. You never know what people are thinking. So, never trust anyone. Sometimes, don't even trust yourself when it comes to work. Learn to go by your instincts because they are guided by experience. 

5. Most of the time you won't know what to do. So, when that time comes, you can always go to the 2 people you never went to: your parents. I never asked my parents for any advice before this. But when I started working, I go to them all the time for advice. They are my go-to, they listen to me rant and understand me. So maybe the working life isn't that bad if it means that I bonded with my parents because of it. 

6. You're always at war with your values. Our values are something deeply rooted in us and if we go against it, we will feel very unpleasant. It's like a vegetarian forced to eat meat. It just don't feel right. And most of the time, your values don't matter to others. The boss' or company's values override yours. 

Now I understand when people say, pick a company that has the same value system as you.  I picked one that I thought had the same value system as mine, but turned out different because of the people in the company.

I guess the list can go on and on but I'll stop here for now. 

Let me rant

When I started working this job, I realised a couple of things:
1. Your off day is never an off day. Your time off of work is also not actually time off.

2. Even if you don't want to do it, you have to do it. Even if you don't agree with it, you have to do it.

3. You are not allowed to act independently.

4. Whatever the boss says goes.

5. People can twist your words to prove that they are right. People always try very hard to defend themselves even though they are wrong especially when they are wrong.


I have never experienced this much unpleasantness in any of my jobs before. I guess I'm lucky it only started now. And it's going to end soon. I am so glad I'll be quitting end of next month. I would love to quit earlier but there were certain circumstances that couldn't be avoided.

I have never been scared this much. I would jump at the sound of my phone whether it is text or a call, because it feels so much like a harassment now. The scared feeling envelope me constantly.

It's not good to be beautiful. It's not good to be pretty. Other girls think it is very good to be pretty, but it's because they aren't in an environment whereby that beauty brings along harassment. When I started realising that I'm not ugly, I found out that there are many dangers of it. It attracts the unnecessary, the unwanted, the feared.

And I have never hated men more than I have now.