I just came back from my Japan (Tokyo & Hakone) trip. And it was a bad experience because of my travelling partner. And she really hurt me.
On the last night of the trip, at the airport after the customs inspection at Haneda Airport, I just told her nicely that she should take note of the gate she should enter. It's important when you're travelling. And guess what her response was: Don't worry. I'll never travel with you anymore. I know that the trip wasn't what she expected it to be - all the walking and rules/culture, but really, to put the blame on me. *Sigh*
I guess here's just a note to people out there who's planning to travel. It's more like a FYI thing, to keep your expectations on your trip more realistic.
1. Try to be open-minded
You're going to a place which culture might be different from yours. It doesn't mean that it's wrong and that you should condemn it. Just accept it.
2. Language
Don't get angry at people just because they don't speak English and then condemn the whole community because of that. There are a lot of places where people don't speak your native language, but most of the time (if you're not frustrated at that moment), body language is easily understandable. It would be even better if you learn a couple of important words before you go.
3. Please note that if you're travelling on a budget, you really have to walk a lot. (No taxis- especially in Japan because they are freaking expensive)
It doesn't mean that if a place has a lot of train stations, you do not have to walk that much. You still have to walk from one station to another etc.
4. Take care of yourself and your travelling companions.
I never knew I would have to teach a 24-year-old to take care of herself and that being apart (her being lost from me and didn't even bother to find me)from each other in a new country is bad. If your feet hurts, do something about it - get Salonpas and stick on your feet, go for foot reflexology, use compression socks, etc. Don't just expect for it to go away.
If you're tired, sleepy, then go to sleep. Don't be playing on your phone. Please keep your priorities straight.
5. If you're going to be on your phone a lot (Facebooking, watching videos etc.), then just forget about travelling.
Travelling (to me) means experiencing every single thing, looking out the window while riding a train, siting at the observation deck of the airport watching planes departing and arriving, window shopping (just looking at a different country's goods is fun, no?), etc.. All these simple things actually make the experience more fulfilling to me.
I guess it means that travelling is not just merely visiting the landmarks and taking the pictures and that's all. If that's really what you think travelling is, then I guess it'll be a very different one from mine.
When I came back, I kept asking myself, was it my fault that you had a bad experience? I really tried my best to compromise with you. I really did tried - I walked slower when your feet hurts and whenever I could remember (I am really not a fast walker. I walk at the same pace as every other normal person), I took care of you - got you motion sickness medicine which you didn't even bother to get for yourself, I got so many different Salonpas because you said your feet/leg hurts from walking, we got home early everyday just so that you can rest, I ask for your opinion to see if you would like to go to a place, and so much more.
At times, I really felt really frustrated that you were rolling your eyes and looking displeased at everything and complaining so much even though the Japanese were really very friendly and helpful. I was angry and mean at times too but I never said anything hurtful, maybe just an angry expression, or a I-don't-like-your-attitude kind of look.
I guess I have my own expectations too and was also (mildly?) frustrated that those expectations were not met (which are the above mentioned things). I travelled before with lots of different people and it had always been a good experience, so for this to be a bad experience with a friend that I have known since I was 9, was quite a shocker.
I guess in the end, the trip is not up to your expectations and you blame me for it. I'm sorry if it was really my fault.
Thursday, 29 October 2015
Thursday, 24 September 2015
1 month of no blogging
I didn't realised the last time I blogged was one month ago. A lot happened this past month. A lot happen every single day.
I never knew saving up for a trip can be so satisfying. Even planning for it and booking the hotels and flights are enjoyable. It all feels like this little goals you reach. It makes you feel a step closer to where you want to be, literally.
I have never enjoyed saving money before. I am usually the kind of person who spends every single penny she has. Trying to save wasn't easy. When I thought about going for this trip, I never thought of asking money from my parents. I wanted to go, so I should pay myself. I guess growing up make certain things really shameful to me, like asking your parents for money. Thinking of that just makes me cringe real bad.
Even when I thought of continuing my studies, the first thing that came to mind was that I don't want to use any of my parents money this time.
I used to see these people doing part time jobs in order to pay for their tuition or to get some extra money for travelling or to rely less on their parents. I used to think that it was not something I would do. My studies were too important to be neglected, I want to give my studies my 100% or 100% of my time and energy. I don't want something else to distract me.
But now, I guess I see things differently. Those people are doing part time work because they feel responsible for themselves whereas I felt responsible for my grades. Maybe now, I feel more responsible for myself. I guess maybe I finally graduated from that part of life and what matters to me is different now.
In a way, I am glad. I learn more about myself with each passing day. I learn the reasons behind my actions and the conditions behind my reasons. I understand more about how I work.
So what's my next step in life? I will probably still continue studying, I guess I never stopped. Even now I am studying everyday. Busy learning the Dhamma, doing my practice and learning Japanese language. I might not go for a degree or enter a university anymore but I can still buy books to study or go online to take some courses.
Meanwhile, I'll still do my writing projects so that I can one day publish a book I wrote. And also work to support myself.
What's the future like for me? Who knows? But I guess, I will probably want to travel to Japan again and again to see all of the prefectures and all the seasons. Maybe go to Korea one day.
I guess this life is just enough for me. It's satisfactory. It's me.
I never knew saving up for a trip can be so satisfying. Even planning for it and booking the hotels and flights are enjoyable. It all feels like this little goals you reach. It makes you feel a step closer to where you want to be, literally.
I have never enjoyed saving money before. I am usually the kind of person who spends every single penny she has. Trying to save wasn't easy. When I thought about going for this trip, I never thought of asking money from my parents. I wanted to go, so I should pay myself. I guess growing up make certain things really shameful to me, like asking your parents for money. Thinking of that just makes me cringe real bad.
Even when I thought of continuing my studies, the first thing that came to mind was that I don't want to use any of my parents money this time.
I used to see these people doing part time jobs in order to pay for their tuition or to get some extra money for travelling or to rely less on their parents. I used to think that it was not something I would do. My studies were too important to be neglected, I want to give my studies my 100% or 100% of my time and energy. I don't want something else to distract me.
But now, I guess I see things differently. Those people are doing part time work because they feel responsible for themselves whereas I felt responsible for my grades. Maybe now, I feel more responsible for myself. I guess maybe I finally graduated from that part of life and what matters to me is different now.
In a way, I am glad. I learn more about myself with each passing day. I learn the reasons behind my actions and the conditions behind my reasons. I understand more about how I work.
So what's my next step in life? I will probably still continue studying, I guess I never stopped. Even now I am studying everyday. Busy learning the Dhamma, doing my practice and learning Japanese language. I might not go for a degree or enter a university anymore but I can still buy books to study or go online to take some courses.
Meanwhile, I'll still do my writing projects so that I can one day publish a book I wrote. And also work to support myself.
What's the future like for me? Who knows? But I guess, I will probably want to travel to Japan again and again to see all of the prefectures and all the seasons. Maybe go to Korea one day.
I guess this life is just enough for me. It's satisfactory. It's me.
Saturday, 22 August 2015
What's your story?
If someone asks you this question one day, what do you have to tell? I guess mine would be like this:
Growing up, I wanted to please my parents so much that I lose myself somehow. In that process, I was very successful and always top in the class and almost top in the school. But somehow, that was not me, and I realised it when I went to America and finally broke down from pushing myself too hard.
So, for the past two years, I have been picking up all the little pieces of me and starting over again. When I broke down, it felt like I have died but when I picked myself up, it felt like I was reborn once again. I'm still picking up my pieces and fixing them together.
That sounds about right. It sums up my entire life in two paragraphs.
Growing up, I wanted to please my parents so much that I lose myself somehow. In that process, I was very successful and always top in the class and almost top in the school. But somehow, that was not me, and I realised it when I went to America and finally broke down from pushing myself too hard.
So, for the past two years, I have been picking up all the little pieces of me and starting over again. When I broke down, it felt like I have died but when I picked myself up, it felt like I was reborn once again. I'm still picking up my pieces and fixing them together.
That sounds about right. It sums up my entire life in two paragraphs.
Tuesday, 18 August 2015
If I were to die today...
If I were to die today, tomorrow or whenever it may be,
please do not blame anyone. It is no one’s fault that I am dead. It is just a
fact that I had died.
If you start thinking that my death is caused by someone
or something, you will never live in peace. You will always carry this grudge,
this hatred in you because someone has ‘taken
my life’. No one can take my life. The fact is that it was time for me to
leave. My time is up.
So, one day when I die, please do not blame yourself, or
anyone else on my death, whether it’s the doctors or nurses not working hard
enough or even bombers or warheads. It’s not my fault. It’s not her fault. It’s
not his fault. It’s no one’s fault. It is just the way of live. Those who are
born must die someway or another.
Don’t be angry or grief-stricken. I had always been a part
of your life and me leaving doesn’t mean that I am no longer a part of your
life. As long as you remember me, there I will be in your memories.
My last wish before I die, when I leave this world is that you do not carry the burden of hatred, of anger, of regret. I had died and it is just as it is. Me passing away. Just let it be as simple as possible and you'll see that they are actually no strings attached. That you can actually let go and accept it.
So, take care.
Standing Solid
I was going to name this post 'Standing Strong' or 'Standing Tall' but the word 'solid' fits more for me. Something stable and firm like a wall.
My good friend, Alicia showed me a TED talk ('Why 30 is not the new 20' by Meg Jay) and it made me think: At least I have most of her points done or incorporated into my life so far. As much as I can, because I want to live the life I want.
And how do I know what I want? I guess it's true what people say; that your failures or obstacles help define you. You begin to see what you're capable of doing, what you're not good at doing, what you like to do even though you suck at it, you learn all this different sides of you.
And sometimes, it's not only about learning these sides of you but also learning to accept them, which is one think people are incapable to do the most. We live in a society which thinks being accepted and/or liked by others is important. It leads to you not being bullied and open more doors. Let's say you're really fugly, doors will be slammed in your face no matter how good you are at singing. Unless of course you're willing to shed all that weight and/or go for cosmetic surgery which is evident in Asia (entertainment industry).Mainly because we expect them to be perfect and prefer a more good looking person with talent compared to an ugly one. Why? Easy, it's our fantasy we want to live out.
Okay, back to the topic at hand; after all that has happened to me in the past couple of years. It has been very 'defining'. Some of these events brought me to either my lowest lows or my highest highs.
They show me what I'm made of or what I want to be made of. It's like if you're a rubber ball, you would never know it until you're pushed off the table and bounce back up. Sometimes, you're a glass vase and end up broken when that happens, but you still learn something. Even though you're broken, if only you can accept it, then you're still you. There's nothing wrong with that actually. If there's one or two missing pieces, then let it be. Don't go going around upset about these missing pieces. You use to have no missing pieces but things changed. You change.
You grow taller, but you have to stop at some point, and then, you'll start shrinking. Funny thing is, this is a fact, the fact is that things change. But somehow or another, we don't like or want that to happen. You can't accept you when you change.
Self-acceptance is very rare these days. I have to agree with that because I was on both sides of the groups:the one with very little self-acceptance and the one with a lot of self-ego that they judge everyone else based on their standards. When I judge someone and realised what I'm doing, I cringe. I just did what I did not want others to do to me. I too do not want people to judge me because then, it's harder for me to accept myself.
But with all that has happened. My values have grown more firm. I know the emergency fire drill in case if there's a fire within me or something's wrong with me. But this is for now. For now, I feel everything being more stable. I know what I want when I don't know what I want. I know what to expect when I don't know what to expect. I know me and accept me.
My good friend, Alicia showed me a TED talk ('Why 30 is not the new 20' by Meg Jay) and it made me think: At least I have most of her points done or incorporated into my life so far. As much as I can, because I want to live the life I want.
And how do I know what I want? I guess it's true what people say; that your failures or obstacles help define you. You begin to see what you're capable of doing, what you're not good at doing, what you like to do even though you suck at it, you learn all this different sides of you.
And sometimes, it's not only about learning these sides of you but also learning to accept them, which is one think people are incapable to do the most. We live in a society which thinks being accepted and/or liked by others is important. It leads to you not being bullied and open more doors. Let's say you're really fugly, doors will be slammed in your face no matter how good you are at singing. Unless of course you're willing to shed all that weight and/or go for cosmetic surgery which is evident in Asia (entertainment industry).Mainly because we expect them to be perfect and prefer a more good looking person with talent compared to an ugly one. Why? Easy, it's our fantasy we want to live out.
Okay, back to the topic at hand; after all that has happened to me in the past couple of years. It has been very 'defining'. Some of these events brought me to either my lowest lows or my highest highs.
They show me what I'm made of or what I want to be made of. It's like if you're a rubber ball, you would never know it until you're pushed off the table and bounce back up. Sometimes, you're a glass vase and end up broken when that happens, but you still learn something. Even though you're broken, if only you can accept it, then you're still you. There's nothing wrong with that actually. If there's one or two missing pieces, then let it be. Don't go going around upset about these missing pieces. You use to have no missing pieces but things changed. You change.
You grow taller, but you have to stop at some point, and then, you'll start shrinking. Funny thing is, this is a fact, the fact is that things change. But somehow or another, we don't like or want that to happen. You can't accept you when you change.
Self-acceptance is very rare these days. I have to agree with that because I was on both sides of the groups:the one with very little self-acceptance and the one with a lot of self-ego that they judge everyone else based on their standards. When I judge someone and realised what I'm doing, I cringe. I just did what I did not want others to do to me. I too do not want people to judge me because then, it's harder for me to accept myself.
But with all that has happened. My values have grown more firm. I know the emergency fire drill in case if there's a fire within me or something's wrong with me. But this is for now. For now, I feel everything being more stable. I know what I want when I don't know what I want. I know what to expect when I don't know what to expect. I know me and accept me.
Sunday, 16 August 2015
A Sunday kind of day
I couldn't think of what to put as the post title so since it's Sunday, might as well use that word fancily. Haha!
So, I've been working on my project. Everyday felt like I was whisked away to this other world even when I'm at work, I'm happy. It's a bit tiring and really consuming my entire day, but it's fun.
I'm now up to 15k words after four days *thank god*, have the main story line down along with most of the dialogues and all that's left is editing and adding of description etc. I make it sound so easy but I guess that this is the hard part for me because I'm not a very good at that.
*Fingers crossed* let's hope that I can live this dream of mine.
Thursday, 13 August 2015
Bad Dreams & Bad Omens
Everything I dream something goes wrong or is bad, I treat it as a bad omen and start walking on eggshells the whole day. It feels like: I have been warned, hence, I have to be on guard.
Have you ever felt that way?
Last night I was reading Rachel Gibson's 'Run to you' for 5 hours straight and it felt like nothing else existed, all the bad things, never crossed my mind. I went to bed happy with the story in mind.
But the bad dream came and waking up this morning made me realise, I have to go to work again. Probably life is more of a bad dream than my dream itself. I dread dread dread the idea of going to work now.
Let me describe what working is like: hypocritical- regarding the values system, waste of time, very emotional draining, unpleasant, scary- you never know who will take advantage of you or harass you or back stab you. That's all I can think of now.
I guess things are always too good to be true. When this job was first offered to me, I came here, offer was withdrawn because the previous person took back her resignation letter. But it was okay for me anyways. I thought it was rather weird that everyone was so nice. It really felt weird and I was always uncomfortable because this is not real (everyone being nice), I thought maybe this place really have nice people around. Boy was I wrong. It is actually people trying their best to be nice to please people. Trust me, this is scary. It's hard to describe it in words but if someone tries their hardest to be nice and please you, it probably means that something is not right.
There were many clues for me to leave this place and not continue staying on. The lady who previously held the position tried to quit twice. That should be a sign right? I thought it might be just that she couldn't stand it, and maybe I could. Note to self: do not think that you are any different from others.
The stress she felt, the people she dealt with, etc. now I understand. After being here for 6 months, I saw what she saw in just 2 months.
Sometimes, incidences happen to show you what things really are. Mostly bad ones are the ones that teaches us. If something bad happens, that brings out the worse in people and you'll get to see their true character. The face they were trying to hide behind the mask.
I have also finally realised why some companies give out prizes/presents to those who have stuck around for so long. Those people must really have high tolerance level.
Have you ever felt that way?
Last night I was reading Rachel Gibson's 'Run to you' for 5 hours straight and it felt like nothing else existed, all the bad things, never crossed my mind. I went to bed happy with the story in mind.
But the bad dream came and waking up this morning made me realise, I have to go to work again. Probably life is more of a bad dream than my dream itself. I dread dread dread the idea of going to work now.
Let me describe what working is like: hypocritical- regarding the values system, waste of time, very emotional draining, unpleasant, scary- you never know who will take advantage of you or harass you or back stab you. That's all I can think of now.
I guess things are always too good to be true. When this job was first offered to me, I came here, offer was withdrawn because the previous person took back her resignation letter. But it was okay for me anyways. I thought it was rather weird that everyone was so nice. It really felt weird and I was always uncomfortable because this is not real (everyone being nice), I thought maybe this place really have nice people around. Boy was I wrong. It is actually people trying their best to be nice to please people. Trust me, this is scary. It's hard to describe it in words but if someone tries their hardest to be nice and please you, it probably means that something is not right.
There were many clues for me to leave this place and not continue staying on. The lady who previously held the position tried to quit twice. That should be a sign right? I thought it might be just that she couldn't stand it, and maybe I could. Note to self: do not think that you are any different from others.
The stress she felt, the people she dealt with, etc. now I understand. After being here for 6 months, I saw what she saw in just 2 months.
Sometimes, incidences happen to show you what things really are. Mostly bad ones are the ones that teaches us. If something bad happens, that brings out the worse in people and you'll get to see their true character. The face they were trying to hide behind the mask.
I have also finally realised why some companies give out prizes/presents to those who have stuck around for so long. Those people must really have high tolerance level.
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