When there is nothing you want

People used to tell me that if you want anything, you suffer. So, I get rid of all attachments and wanting. I end up (right now) having no purpose to live. There is no meaning to life for me at all. There is nothing I am attached to, so I can just 'go' at anytime without sorrow. But the way I live my life now, I have no joy.

I told myself to be contented with everything I have. I don't need more. More is more suffering. So, I just have what I have (the basic necessities for living) and that's all. I feel dull. Life feels dull.

Probably I want to be at the point of life whereby I can just be without all those things I want, but I am not there yet. I guess what I'm doing is trying to be at another place when I'm just here. In a way, it doesn't help because I am not there yet. It's like wanting summer in winter and going around wearing a bikini.

The next thought that arises is: "how do I want something?" How do you want something? Normally it's an automatic process, so to do it manually, we don't know how to do it. Oh well, one step at a time.

But for now, I guess I should try to be more balanced than extreme. Maybe I was a little on the extreme side which then caused suffering! OMG! The turnaround. *slaps my forehead* All this while I'm doing this to get rid of suffering, and yet I do it too much that I ended up suffering. *cold laughter*

Oh well, lesson learnt.

Trying hard

I realized today that I try very hard, I try my best at things I do. And I never knew this until today.

When I had depression, I tried my best & hardest to prevent and overcome it. I researched for methods online, try all kinds of different methods.

Now, I am facing a difficult part of my life and I am also working very hard to overcome it.

Maybe this is how much I love myself even though I always thought all my actions showed that I didn't e.g. that I was pushing myself too hard.

I guess waiting 24 years for the moment that I truly know that I love myself is better than never knowing it, right?