It has been a year

Dear me, 

It has been a year since I last blogged. And I finally decided to blog again because there's no one I could turn to. I need to vent out what I'm feeling, but I don't think people around me would care.

It's finally Valentine's Day and it will be the first time that I'm not celebrating it alone. I guess you can say that I have tons of romance in my blood that I really crave for something romantic. It can happen any other day, but I'm not so sure why this day is so special. Maybe it's the right timing. Maybe it's the day where every other girl receives flowers, gifts, proclamation of love and so on. I have always dream of celebrating this special day with someone extra special. 

But I guess that if I'm dating a block of wood, there's nothing much to expect. I know it's not right to ask or demand or even hint to someone, so I didn't. I try to keep my expectations as low as it can be. I try to keep my mouth shut. But I'm hurting inside thanks to this action of mine.

So, I finally spoke up. I told him how I felt. But I guess that he doesn't get it. I told him that it's my first Valentine's celebration ever. And I was really looking forward to it being special. And he agreed, he agreed that timing is everything. But I guess I was a bit dumb to look forward to all this. I sound like a 16-year-old ranting. But I can't help it. *Sigh* I told myself that I should be mature and not act or think that way, but I can't. 

I have always regarded this day-created-by-vendors-to-increase-sales as something important. I know that it's just another day. But the romantic side inside of me would not think of it that way. With all the romance novels, romantic dramas and movies, it became something special in my heart. Like how weddings and proposals are special to (most) girls (or guys).

I don't need any other day to be special. I just want this one day to be special. 

I guess I'm really asking too much. 

Sincerely, 

Me

What are you fighting for? What are you running from?

It took me quite a while (probably a couple of minutes) to answer these questions:

1. What are you fighting for?
Myself.

2. What are you running from? 
Reality. Hurt. Pain. 

I realised today that all this while, even when I thought I did not love myself, I was actually the one who cared the most. I was (and still am) the one who takes care of myself the best I can. I paused my life just for me, so that I can heal. But this time around, I don't think it's time I need to heal my wounds. I don't know what it is, but I have paused a lot, too much that I pause to run away from getting hurt.

Maybe the cause of me being hurt is me being me. I can't help it.

Once you start running away and feel the great sense of relief from being away from all the pain the world has to offer, you start doing it more often. It's like taking drugs - most who take drugs want to run away from reality, from the reality that brings so much pain, the reality that hurts them.

I can feel fear in every part of my body. Even if I tried not to think about it, when the mind is triggered, the whole body reacts violently. "RUN!" it shouts. It collapses inwards until it becomes a ball

Let's say you're stuck in a box hanging up high in the air and one of the walls fell down, you would be more inclined to be far away from it because you're scared of falling off, right? That's how it feels. Everyday I see this and get paralysed from it. My knees feel weak and I feel a constant surge of fear each time I look at it. This happens so often that I think my life is that box with 3 walls.

Should I take a chance and just jump out? 

From past experiences, I'll get hurt. Probably I'm the kind of person who's really sensitive and get hurt easily. That could be why, if compared to others, I am like a wimp.

I want to fight for myself, to be able to live like normal again. That's what I always thought. Normal? I guess my normal is this and I got my wish didn't I? When I realised this, everything was less frustrating and I began to accept myself more. But others couldn't, they see my normal as a problem.

Maybe I should change the word 'normal' to 'be able to function well'. Hmmmm... But I am functioning well aren't I? I am still alive and fighting very hard to live.

People just can't see how much you're fighting if it's inside. People do not believe in things they can't see or experience.

It's back?

I just don't feel like living anymore. When is life going to end? :( It seems that everyone has something to look forward to and the thing I look forward to is death. My 'The End'.

Who am I kidding? No one cares about me, so why should I continue being here?

I just want to go off and live all alone since no one cares. It's better that way too.

Priorities

After that horrible trip, it made me realize how blessed I am to come from a strict family background - I guess you really do learn a lot. When you do travel with someone, my opinion now is that you should have to make sure that their priorities match yours and not only their personalities or budget.


Priority #1 
Make sure that your travel companions are safe at all times which includes making sure that they do not get lost.
This world is a dangerous place and if you're a single person (especially if you're a girl) walking around aimlessly, won't you think that chances of you getting kidnap would be higher than being in a group? So, the conclusion is: please watch out for each other.

Priority #2
Being on time/ early.
If you're taking public transports especially, being on time really sets you back waiting time which you could use for sight-seeing etc. And it also saves waiting time for other trains (assuming that the route you're taking involves changing trains several times).

If you're planning to go to the Fujiko F. Fujio museum (a.k.a. Doraemon museum) which is in Kawasaki city, please note that if you buy a ticket allowing you to enter at 10AM, the latest you would have to be there is 10.30AM or not you're not allowed to enter.

Sometimes it helps to be early too as it gives you time to get lost and you wouldn't panic that much I guess? For DisneySea, I read somewhere that people started queuing up very early (i.e. about 1-2 hours before opening time). So, we decided to go early too and arrived at 8.15AM (opening time was 9AM) and the place was packed!!!! You couldn't even see the front gates!

Priority #3
Please take care of yourself.
If you're travelling and your feet hurts from too much walking, do something about it. Don't blame others for you having to walk so much- part of travelling is walking around a lot, unless of course if you're freaking rich and take a car everywhere you go. But I guess, even then, you would have to walk to the car right? So see, walking is a big part of travelling.

Okay, back to the main point, if your feet/leg hurts, go get a foot reflexology, massage it yourself, soak it (preferably in the hot springs or in a hot tub), use Salonpas, etc. And also, please make sure to get enough rest.

Priority #4
Be polite/courteous.
My parents always thought me that we have to be polite, courteous and respectful to others, so when my travel companion wasn't like that, I was cringing the entire time. It's not that she's rude, maybe I'm a bit of a perfectionist, I guess?

Priority #5
Be more open. You're in a different country so there's bound to be some cultural differences, just accept it. 
I guess one of the beauty of traveling is to enjoy these cultural differences. It's the thing that makes that country uniquely different from yours. Don't just go around complaining. It just spoils the whole trip- for you and also your travelling companion(s).

I guess that's all I have to rant for now. Hopefully I can put all these bad experiences behind me as soon as possible.

A new experience- travelling

I just came back from my Japan (Tokyo & Hakone) trip. And it was a bad experience because of my travelling partner. And she really hurt me.

On the last night of the trip, at the airport after the customs inspection at Haneda Airport, I just told her nicely that she should take note of the gate she should enter. It's important when you're travelling. And guess what her response was: Don't worry. I'll never travel with you anymore. I know that the trip wasn't what she expected it to be - all the walking and rules/culture, but really, to put the blame on me. *Sigh*

I guess here's just a note to people out there who's planning to travel. It's more like a FYI thing, to keep your expectations on your trip more realistic.

1. Try to be open-minded
You're going to a place which culture might be different from yours. It doesn't mean that it's wrong and that you should condemn it. Just accept it.

2. Language
Don't get angry at people just because they don't speak English and then condemn the whole community because of that. There are a lot of places where people don't speak your native language, but most of the time (if you're not frustrated at that moment), body language is easily understandable. It would be even better if you learn a couple of important words before you go.

3. Please note that if you're travelling on a budget, you really have to walk a lot. (No taxis- especially in Japan because they are freaking expensive)
It doesn't mean that if a place has a lot of train stations,  you do not have to walk that much. You still have to walk from one station to another etc.

4. Take care of yourself and your travelling companions.
I never knew I would have to teach a 24-year-old to take care of herself and that being apart (her being lost from me and didn't even bother to find me)from each other in a new country is bad. If your feet hurts, do something about it - get Salonpas and stick on your feet, go for foot reflexology, use compression socks, etc. Don't just expect for it to go away.

If you're tired, sleepy, then go to sleep. Don't be playing on your phone. Please keep your priorities straight.

5. If you're going to be on your phone a lot (Facebooking, watching videos etc.), then just forget about travelling.
Travelling (to me) means experiencing every single thing, looking out the window while riding a train, siting at the observation deck of the airport watching planes departing and arriving, window shopping (just looking at a different country's goods is fun, no?), etc.. All these simple things actually make the experience more fulfilling to me.

I guess it means that travelling is not just merely visiting the landmarks and taking the pictures and that's all. If that's really what you think travelling is, then I guess it'll be a very different one from mine.

When I came back, I kept asking myself, was it my fault that you had a bad experience? I really tried my best to compromise with you. I really did tried - I walked slower when your feet hurts and whenever I could remember (I am really not a fast walker. I walk at the same pace as every other normal person), I took care of you - got you motion sickness medicine which you didn't even bother to get for yourself, I got so many different Salonpas because you said your feet/leg hurts from walking, we got home early everyday just so that you can rest, I ask for your opinion to see if you would like to go to a place, and so much more.

At times, I really felt really frustrated that you were rolling your eyes and looking displeased at everything and complaining so much even though the Japanese were really very friendly and helpful. I was angry and mean at times too but I never said anything hurtful, maybe just an angry expression, or a I-don't-like-your-attitude kind of look.

I guess I have my own expectations too and was also (mildly?) frustrated that those expectations were not met (which are the above mentioned things). I travelled before with lots of different people and it had always been a good experience, so for this to be a bad experience with a friend that I have known since I was 9, was quite a shocker.

I guess in the end, the trip is not up to your expectations and you blame me for it. I'm sorry if it was really my fault.

1 month of no blogging

I didn't realised the last time I blogged was one month ago. A lot happened this past month. A lot happen every single day.

I never knew saving up for a trip can be so satisfying. Even planning for it and booking the hotels and flights are enjoyable. It all feels like this little goals you reach. It makes you feel a step closer to where you want to be, literally.

I have never enjoyed saving money before. I am usually the kind of person who spends every single penny she has. Trying to save wasn't easy. When I thought about going for this trip, I never thought of asking money from my parents. I wanted to go, so I should pay myself. I guess growing up make certain things really shameful to me, like asking your parents for money. Thinking of that just makes me cringe real bad.

Even when I thought of continuing my studies, the first thing that came to mind was that I don't want to use any of my parents money this time.

I used to see these people doing part time jobs in order to pay for their tuition or to get some extra money for travelling or to rely less on their parents. I used to think that it was not something I would do. My studies were too important to be neglected, I want to give my studies my 100% or 100% of my time and energy. I don't want something else to distract me.

But now, I guess I see things differently. Those people are doing part time work because they feel responsible for themselves whereas I felt responsible for my grades. Maybe now, I feel more responsible for myself. I guess maybe I finally graduated from that part of life and what matters to me is different now.

In a way, I am glad. I learn more about myself with each passing day. I learn the reasons behind my actions and the conditions behind my reasons. I understand more about how I work.

So what's my next step in life? I will probably still continue studying, I guess I never stopped. Even now I am studying everyday. Busy learning the Dhamma, doing my practice and learning Japanese language. I might not go for a degree or enter a university anymore but I can still buy books to study or go online to take some courses.

Meanwhile, I'll still do my writing projects so that I can one day publish a book I wrote. And also work to support myself.

What's the future like for me? Who knows? But I guess, I will probably want to travel to Japan again and again to see all of the prefectures and all the seasons. Maybe go to Korea one day.

I guess this life is just enough for me. It's satisfactory. It's me.

What's your story?

If someone asks you this question one day, what do you have to tell? I guess mine would be like this:

Growing up, I wanted to please my parents so much that I lose myself somehow. In that process, I was very successful and always top in the class and almost top in the school. But somehow, that was not me, and I realised it when I went to America and finally broke down from pushing myself too hard. 

So, for the past two years, I have been picking up all the little pieces of me and starting over again. When I broke down, it felt like I have died but when I picked myself up, it felt like I was reborn once again. I'm still picking up my pieces and fixing them together. 

That sounds about right. It sums up my entire life in two paragraphs.